Running To Stand Still

I’m a fraud.

After a  quasi-brief, chance encounter tonight, I drove away feeling that I don’t even know myself anymore.  Or what I want either.

I felt unnerved.

In the briefest of an instant, I saw my life unravel before me.  A slideshow of 8mm pictures flashing right before my eyes, each one playing with a background music of  its own.

What do I really want? I mean really, really, REALLY want?

I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out I don’t.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Am I that jaded?

Behind that façade of  certainty,  it turns out that that’s just what it is.  A façade. A front.

I’m scared as hell as the next person.

And it feels like these past few weeks, I’ve been chasing something — hoping to catch it. Running after it as if my life depended on it.  But running after what? I’m not even making sense anymore.

I guess deep inside I’m still that naive little girl. Or that blindly stupid 28 year old woman a year ago.

To borrow a quote,  “We keep looking and looking and looking….”

I need to stop running. For once. For once I gotta stop and just be still. 

Maybe this time, it’ll find me. 

xoxo

Unspoken

Soft whispers, almost heard but never spoken…………

How do you really feel about me?  Because if you feel nothing at all, then please, please don’t make me fall for you more than I already have.

I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I care too much, you get a free pass to break my heart.

I’ve never asked what you saw….

Will I ever be enough?

Will you please just once, tell me what you’re thinking?

What are your dreams? How do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

We’ve been together for quite a while but it still seems that I don’t know a lot about you.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you anymore.

I wish that you would just let me in. Because you know what? No matter how hard I tried, you always shut me out. Whenever I come close, you pull away. And that gets tiring after a while. 

I’m not her.

I know I said I love you. I know I said I thought I loved you. Truth? I LOVED YOU.

 

Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

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Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Linger

Typical Monday.  After a fun weekend, it’s back to the old grind. The only bright spot is that I’m only working three days this week plus it’s thanksgiving this Thursday, my favorite holiday of the year.

As typical as Mondays gets, I look at the calendar and the date stares back at  me — November 23.

Fuck.   As much as I don’t want to remember, it hits me.  A year ago was the first time we met.  And with my mind warping at full speed, I got sucked into a vortex full of memories…. from the awkwardness of that first date, to the easy banter thereafter…. the thrill of the first kiss… the tender unguarded moments…. to the pain and heartbreak of goodbyes.

Stop it. Stop thinking about it. 

 But I can’t. It’s wave after wave after wave.

Places. Things. People. It just brings back too many memories.

Damn.  Just like that, the pain I felt was just as horrible as it was months ago.  I thought it got numbed by time. I was at the point where finally, FINALLY I was moving on.

Then this. Great.

I have to yank myself back to reality. I have to shut my mind because just the thought of it is too much to bear. 

Right now I am hating myself.

Snap out of it! You remember how you were, how low you felt after all was said and done? Do you really want to go back to all of that?

Honestly, for a moment, I almost succumbed. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing it is that I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that there are rare moments when I think of him. Of us.

It’s not one of the great loves that books and poets write about.  But given the right circumstances, I think it has the potential to be one.  You know how they always talk about having the right love at the wrong time? Even Barry Manilow sang one about it. But is there such a thing as having a wrong love at the right time?

Or better yet, the wrong love at the wrong time?

So yeah, I’m ready for this day to be over.

And as typical as Mondays get, I hate Mondays. Always have. Always will.

Tuesday’s another day.

xoxo

Hush

In lieu of some events and the consequences that ensued after that, it got me thinking… am I really that transparent?  There are a lot of things I want to say but I’m having trouble finding the right words to even express what I’m feeling. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, talking about emotions… I lost my train of thought there for a moment. 

Distractions. Just what I needed. Sometimes I need it to be able to think clearly. To put things in perspective.

Me. What about?

After some alone time and a lot of thinking, it made me realize that I am wearing my heart out on my sleeve a wee bit too much than what I wanted. So much so that it  made me vulnerable.  So much so that I lost myself in the process.

Does that mean I should just shut everything out? 

But where does that leave me?

Bitter, cynical?

I don’t want to wake up one morning and I find myself to be just that.

I can’t bottle it inside, so pardonnez- moi if  all I write about are my lamentations. And how unfair the universe can be.

And the eternal quest to meet the ONE.

My friends have given me a hard time about my dramas of late and I know they mean well but……

See the thing is, they’re all married.  They have all met the ONE.

Again, where does that leave me?

I’m a single girl amid a sea of  married people. Or couples.

Is it wrong to wish myself that same kind of happily ever after?

I’m not wishing to have a knight in shining armor sweeping me off of my feet…  the hopeless romantic in me refuses to believe so otherwise.

I just want someone to give me the butterflies…….

Someone who makes me weak at the knees……….

I just want someone, dammit! 

Maybe the universe is listening…..

Or maybe I should just shush.

xoxo

Buts

I took my chances, but I lost.

I thought maybe… just maybe… but it remained just a maybe.

I wished he was  “the ONE”,  but it wasn’t meant to be.

I tried fixing it, but it’s hard when it’s already broken in the first place.

I thought that him and I were in the same place, but I was left standing on my own.

I hoped that we could somewhat still be friends, but I was a fool to believe so.

I was hurting and broken but I’m all glued back together now.

And I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what he broke. I know I’m better off.

Tequila, anyone?

 

xoxo

Ifs

If only had I known…. would’ve I taken that leap of faith?

If  only had I trusted my gut, I wouldn’t have fallen that deep.

If  only had I caught that look in your eyes… that look that said it all, then I could’ve spared myself a world of hurt.

If only had I listened… but that’s the trouble with love,  it can make your heart believe a lie. 

If only I had been less blind…

If  only I could’ve spoken my mind… would’ve it made a difference?

Ifs…..

Bottom line is that, it doesn’t really matter now does it?

But what if….

What if I never met you?

 

xoxo

Defining Moments

I thought I’d post one of my old entries from my old blog…..

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Here I am on a Friday night — again. Yep. I’m home on a date night… date weekend for that matter. But I don’t mind. It’s been a rollercoaster of sorts for me these past few weeks that some peace and quiet’s just what I exactly needed. Just me, myself and I.

I know I’ve been oozing drama lately and I know I’ve been a drag but hey, in my defense, everybody has off days sometimes — except mine has been daaaaaaaaays LOL. Plus, you exactly know that I can be a drama queen hands down so stop complaining :p

If you have noticed, I haven’t used “guess” or “maybe” so far. I mean most of the time I start with ” I guess……” or ” Maybe……” It took a friend of mine to make me see that I have to let people know what I think. Huh? Let me make it clearer — the last time we talked I asked him what’s the most annoying thing about me and he said that sometimes I don’t have an opinion on things… that or I just go along with whatever he says. Une: it’s not that I don’t have one, I do. I’m just afraid to say it for the fear of looking stupid, or worse, rejected. Just in case you missed it, yeah, I do have issues. Hell, who doesn’t? Deux: Because of that dumb voice in my head, I aim to please a little too much that I become too agreeable. And I thought I was just being nice and politically correct most of the time LOL……

You know how there are moments that define our lives? Sometimes it’s so fleeting, you hardly notice it and sometimes it’s so profound that no matter how hard you ignore it, it just won’t go away. It took me a breakup and a badly needed wakeup call to finally realize that you can’t depend and hope on other people for your happiness. I know I’m a novice when it comes to relationships and I know I still have a lot to learn. I just wished that I didn’t have to go through all this pain and turmoil before it all sank in. But hey, that’s how we learn isn’t it?

Thinking about it, it humanized me in a way. Not that I think that I’m perfect or anything like that at all but it made me see myself in a different perspective. I know now that everything’s gonna be alright. That yeah, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. It’s gonna take some time for me though, I have to learn to love myself first and be happy for what and who I am before I dive into the dating pool again. Plus, I admit, I loved him….

So, as to the eternal question — if you’ve loved and lost, will you ever find happiness again? My answer is a definite yes…. in time, yes.

As for me, I am a work in progress.

Mailah version 2.0… pretty soon version 2.1

xoxo