Waiting to Exhale

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Should be an easy natural thing, shouldn’t it?  You shouldn’t even have to think about it. But lately I find that I have trouble doing just that.

Two weeks.

Two weeks’ worth of wasted time. Of waiting. Of hoping. Ugh.

I can’t even remember anymore why I even hoped in the first place. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into… turns out I bit more than I could chew.

So this time, I’m walking away.  I’m making the decision. 

I. Don’t. Pick. YOU.

And yeah, I get it. You don’t always get closure.  No matter how badly you want it.

A final nail in the coffin of  never was in the first place.

And with that, I can breathe.

xoxo

Only Hope

 

Her thoughts are scattered in different directions. Her mind can’t still grope the reality of it.

It all started with an email. Now she’s scared that his last is gonna be the end of it.  It would just be fitting, wouldn’t it?

But what can she do?  Her and him only  have had  have had three weeks. They had two years.  How can she compete with that? How can she compete with two years’ worth of history? 

But what if he’s the ONE? Doesn’t she owe it to herself to find out?  To fight for what they had, for the possibility of what they’re going to have?

The thing is, she doesn’t have great expectations in the first place.  She exactly knew what she was getting herself into. The thing she didn’t count on was that she started to really like him. Dare say, started to care too?

So yeah, at this point, she’s going to give him his space…. to think.  To choose.

She so wanted to let him know how much he means to her but she knows when she’s beat. She may be tough and all, but she also knows how and when to pick her battles.  Besides, she needs some time to think things over too. Clear her head.  This time, she knew better than just hope……

It sounds so clichéd but what was it that they say?

” That if you really love someone, set him free. If  he comes back, it’s meant to be. If  he doesn’t, then he’s not yours to have in the first place…….”

So, the process begins. The waiting. The hoping.

Although deep inside her she wants to scream out,

Pick me. Choose me. LOVE me.

 

xoxo

Unspoken

Soft whispers, almost heard but never spoken…………

How do you really feel about me?  Because if you feel nothing at all, then please, please don’t make me fall for you more than I already have.

I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I care too much, you get a free pass to break my heart.

I’ve never asked what you saw….

Will I ever be enough?

Will you please just once, tell me what you’re thinking?

What are your dreams? How do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

We’ve been together for quite a while but it still seems that I don’t know a lot about you.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you anymore.

I wish that you would just let me in. Because you know what? No matter how hard I tried, you always shut me out. Whenever I come close, you pull away. And that gets tiring after a while. 

I’m not her.

I know I said I love you. I know I said I thought I loved you. Truth? I LOVED YOU.

 

When It Isn’t Like It Should Be

Thursday.

My used-to-be favorite day of the week.  But like all things, my love affair with Thursdays has ended. And like a thief in the night,  I had no idea how it happened. It just did.

But that doesn’t mean I hate Mondays less. 

So yesterday, Thursday of all days, I woke up to the loud screaming of my phone. Grudgingly, I rolled over and blindingly reached for it, thinking that it can’t be 7 am yet… another few minutes… please, please let it be.  I was ready to hit the snooze button one  more time but something tells me this was different.

It was M, my good friend from way back in college.  I was kinda waiting to hear from her, hoping that this call brings good news. As soon as I answered, I asked, “So did you pass?”

Dead silence.

In actuality, it was just probably a second but it felt like an eternity. And even before she uttered those words I was hoping not to hear, I knew. 

Dead silence. Again.

After that, tears flowed. Frustrations were let out. Fears and helplessness, hopelessness surfaced.

All I could offer her were words of comfort and knowing that I am here, listening with no prejudice whatsoever.  I knew exactly what she’s going through. I knew what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking. Because you see, I’ve been through that, too. Not just once. Not twice. I’ve been through it countless times that I wanted to lose count.

I used to think that I got it all planned out :

Un:  Move here to California.

Deux:  Find a job.

Trois:  Take and pass the NPTE.

Quatre:  Find the ONE, fall inlove and have my happily ever after.

My plans got derailed at trois.

First time I took the exams  and failed, it was kinda okay. I knew I didn’t study. I had an excuse. The second time stung a little bit more since I thought I prepared well.  After the nth time, I was so sure that I was so stupid, failing again and again. Doubts and insecurities came rushing to the surface.

Questions lingered in my mind. I doubted my capabilities. I started to doubt myself. But deep inside I knew I could do it. What gives then?

You know the age-old adage, ” If it’s not the right time,  no matter how much you wanted it to happen, it won’t”?

No matter how much I didn’t want to believe it, looking back now, I have to grudgingly admit that that was the case for me. I tried and tried and tried but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Until now.

Everything happens for a reason right? After being an aide for seven years, finally I knew I was ready. Not just ready to take the exams, but ready to be a therapist. But then, of course like most, if not all of the story of my life, I have to take a little detour. Again.

Life gives me lemons, I got to make lemonades LOL. 

I’m hoping all of this will be done before the end of summer. One thing is for sure, this whole journey to be a PT has taught me a lot. It has tested my willpower, definitely tested my patience and endurance. It taught me humility. Most of all, it taught me that a little faith goes a long way.

As for my quatrième plan,  I know it’ll happen.

All in due time.

xoxo

Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

________________________________

Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Linger

Typical Monday.  After a fun weekend, it’s back to the old grind. The only bright spot is that I’m only working three days this week plus it’s thanksgiving this Thursday, my favorite holiday of the year.

As typical as Mondays gets, I look at the calendar and the date stares back at  me — November 23.

Fuck.   As much as I don’t want to remember, it hits me.  A year ago was the first time we met.  And with my mind warping at full speed, I got sucked into a vortex full of memories…. from the awkwardness of that first date, to the easy banter thereafter…. the thrill of the first kiss… the tender unguarded moments…. to the pain and heartbreak of goodbyes.

Stop it. Stop thinking about it. 

 But I can’t. It’s wave after wave after wave.

Places. Things. People. It just brings back too many memories.

Damn.  Just like that, the pain I felt was just as horrible as it was months ago.  I thought it got numbed by time. I was at the point where finally, FINALLY I was moving on.

Then this. Great.

I have to yank myself back to reality. I have to shut my mind because just the thought of it is too much to bear. 

Right now I am hating myself.

Snap out of it! You remember how you were, how low you felt after all was said and done? Do you really want to go back to all of that?

Honestly, for a moment, I almost succumbed. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing it is that I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that there are rare moments when I think of him. Of us.

It’s not one of the great loves that books and poets write about.  But given the right circumstances, I think it has the potential to be one.  You know how they always talk about having the right love at the wrong time? Even Barry Manilow sang one about it. But is there such a thing as having a wrong love at the right time?

Or better yet, the wrong love at the wrong time?

So yeah, I’m ready for this day to be over.

And as typical as Mondays get, I hate Mondays. Always have. Always will.

Tuesday’s another day.

xoxo

Hush

In lieu of some events and the consequences that ensued after that, it got me thinking… am I really that transparent?  There are a lot of things I want to say but I’m having trouble finding the right words to even express what I’m feeling. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, talking about emotions… I lost my train of thought there for a moment. 

Distractions. Just what I needed. Sometimes I need it to be able to think clearly. To put things in perspective.

Me. What about?

After some alone time and a lot of thinking, it made me realize that I am wearing my heart out on my sleeve a wee bit too much than what I wanted. So much so that it  made me vulnerable.  So much so that I lost myself in the process.

Does that mean I should just shut everything out? 

But where does that leave me?

Bitter, cynical?

I don’t want to wake up one morning and I find myself to be just that.

I can’t bottle it inside, so pardonnez- moi if  all I write about are my lamentations. And how unfair the universe can be.

And the eternal quest to meet the ONE.

My friends have given me a hard time about my dramas of late and I know they mean well but……

See the thing is, they’re all married.  They have all met the ONE.

Again, where does that leave me?

I’m a single girl amid a sea of  married people. Or couples.

Is it wrong to wish myself that same kind of happily ever after?

I’m not wishing to have a knight in shining armor sweeping me off of my feet…  the hopeless romantic in me refuses to believe so otherwise.

I just want someone to give me the butterflies…….

Someone who makes me weak at the knees……….

I just want someone, dammit! 

Maybe the universe is listening…..

Or maybe I should just shush.

xoxo

Buts

I took my chances, but I lost.

I thought maybe… just maybe… but it remained just a maybe.

I wished he was  “the ONE”,  but it wasn’t meant to be.

I tried fixing it, but it’s hard when it’s already broken in the first place.

I thought that him and I were in the same place, but I was left standing on my own.

I hoped that we could somewhat still be friends, but I was a fool to believe so.

I was hurting and broken but I’m all glued back together now.

And I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what he broke. I know I’m better off.

Tequila, anyone?

 

xoxo

Laundry List

Things I needed to do and hopefully accomplish before or by the time I turn 30:

 1.   Be a full fledged physical therapist.

2.   Lose another 20 – 25 lbs.

3.   Pay off my car. I only have a few months left on it  :)

4.   Read Dan Brown’s new novel,  “The Lost Symbol”

5.   Have my car detailed. I haven’t done it since I bought it LOL… car washes — yep, detailing — to follow.

6.   Buy a new laptop.

7.   Go to Disneyland  (yey!)

8.   Learn how to ski  (or even snowboard — again)

9.   Go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!

10.  Expand my social circle.

11.  Throw away all my junk.

12.  Run more often (that would require a LOT of work LOL).

13.  Speak up.

14.  Go on vacay.

15.  Take more pictures.

16.  Reconnect with old friends.

17.  Do I dare say fall in love again????

I know the last one’s pushing it, but one could only hope, right?

Que sera, sera.

 

xoxo

Reasons

Here I am on a chilly Saturday evening. The weather has certainly changed and I can already smell and feel the crisp autumn air.  As the seasons changed, I have finally started to move on.

Has it almost been three months?  Time surely flies by so fast that it seemed like everything now is a blur. I guess I’m healing nicely. I don’t cringe or wince anymore just thinking how it all went down the drain.  Like what  Hope has written, all that’s left is the sweet,  sweet sadness of almost.  How I almost got him. How he almost got me. Wait, he did get me. How we almost got it right. Almost, but not quite. Close, but no cigar.

We stood by the edge of the precipice, held hands even, stared down into the unknown…. but unlike Hope, instead of closing our eyes and taking that giant leap together, he let go of my hand as I jumped. I saw him at the edge, watching me fall into that giant abyss of  nothingness.

Maybe walking away is the safest thing to do. We’re better off, right?  We’re better off walking away knowing that in the end, it’ll never work out. Better now than later, when we’re both thick in the middle of it. 

Was it then naught for nothing?

Not everything has fallen by the wayside. There were plenty of reasons why we should’ve stayed together. But sadly, there were a lot more reasons why we said goodbye instead. It’s hard to fight for something when it was doomed to fail even in the beginning.  Carpe diem, right?  That’s the thing with expectations, it’s just a setup for disappointments.  

We both still need a lot of growing up to do.  They were right — fools rush in. And like the fool that I was,  I was even willing to sacrifice all that I am.  I fell for him for the wrong reasons and I tried desperately to make things work out for all the wrong reasons.  Even when in the end, all that was left in me were doubts.

He told me that I deserve to be with somebody who really wanted to be with me. Problem was, I wanted it to be HIM.

I think that that was the most cruel and most selfish thing one could ever probably say. And how ” plus one”  is the loneliest number.   What an utter, total rejection.  Oh, aside from the classic, ” It’s me, not you” when what it really meant was it was really you.  Was I that  jaded??????

Like I said, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I still have a lot of figuring out to do. But one thing is for certain, I’ve come to realize that  I am better off.  That indeed, it’s him and not me.  That I don’t need a relationship to define who or what I am anymore. 

And if he wanted me back? Ask me that same question a couple months ago and I would’ve said, “Yes!” a million times over. But now? Honestly? I don’t know. Would I really subject myself through all of that all over again? The not knowing where I stand, the uncertainty? What I  do know is that unless and until we both sort out our own personal issues, we can never be. Not unless we both learn to trust. No assumptions. I’ve accepted that.

And if someday our paths cross again? Who knows, we might even exchange a hello or two.

In a way, having your heart broken is having a myocardial infarction. It can be life threatening, depending where the infarct and how extensive the damage is.  And what you need is time. Time to heal. So after almost three months status post, I am finally there. Almost.  Not quite, but getting there.

xoxo