Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

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Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Linger

Typical Monday.  After a fun weekend, it’s back to the old grind. The only bright spot is that I’m only working three days this week plus it’s thanksgiving this Thursday, my favorite holiday of the year.

As typical as Mondays gets, I look at the calendar and the date stares back at  me — November 23.

Fuck.   As much as I don’t want to remember, it hits me.  A year ago was the first time we met.  And with my mind warping at full speed, I got sucked into a vortex full of memories…. from the awkwardness of that first date, to the easy banter thereafter…. the thrill of the first kiss… the tender unguarded moments…. to the pain and heartbreak of goodbyes.

Stop it. Stop thinking about it. 

 But I can’t. It’s wave after wave after wave.

Places. Things. People. It just brings back too many memories.

Damn.  Just like that, the pain I felt was just as horrible as it was months ago.  I thought it got numbed by time. I was at the point where finally, FINALLY I was moving on.

Then this. Great.

I have to yank myself back to reality. I have to shut my mind because just the thought of it is too much to bear. 

Right now I am hating myself.

Snap out of it! You remember how you were, how low you felt after all was said and done? Do you really want to go back to all of that?

Honestly, for a moment, I almost succumbed. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing it is that I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that there are rare moments when I think of him. Of us.

It’s not one of the great loves that books and poets write about.  But given the right circumstances, I think it has the potential to be one.  You know how they always talk about having the right love at the wrong time? Even Barry Manilow sang one about it. But is there such a thing as having a wrong love at the right time?

Or better yet, the wrong love at the wrong time?

So yeah, I’m ready for this day to be over.

And as typical as Mondays get, I hate Mondays. Always have. Always will.

Tuesday’s another day.

xoxo

Buts

I took my chances, but I lost.

I thought maybe… just maybe… but it remained just a maybe.

I wished he was  “the ONE”,  but it wasn’t meant to be.

I tried fixing it, but it’s hard when it’s already broken in the first place.

I thought that him and I were in the same place, but I was left standing on my own.

I hoped that we could somewhat still be friends, but I was a fool to believe so.

I was hurting and broken but I’m all glued back together now.

And I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what he broke. I know I’m better off.

Tequila, anyone?

 

xoxo

Ifs

If only had I known…. would’ve I taken that leap of faith?

If  only had I trusted my gut, I wouldn’t have fallen that deep.

If  only had I caught that look in your eyes… that look that said it all, then I could’ve spared myself a world of hurt.

If only had I listened… but that’s the trouble with love,  it can make your heart believe a lie. 

If only I had been less blind…

If  only I could’ve spoken my mind… would’ve it made a difference?

Ifs…..

Bottom line is that, it doesn’t really matter now does it?

But what if….

What if I never met you?

 

xoxo