Monologue

Last Sunday, our pastor at the church asked me last minute to read a monologue by Howard Shirley entitled Joy for Christmas — little did I know that this was practically close to home……

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It’s Christmas again. Not that the stores haven’t been telling us that since October, when it wasn’t Christmas at all. One of these days they’re just going to lump it all inot one big buying frenzy called “HappyHallowThankAChristmaHannukahdan”, just to cover the bases. But these days you just get Santa Claus stuck in with the Pilgrims, because nobody buys much besides a turkey before Thanksgiving.

Even if the stores weren’t constantly reminding me that it was Christmas, Mom’s always there to back them up. I get her on the phone and it’s,

“Did you remember Christmas is coming? I haven’t gotten my card yet — you have to send them early if you don’t want them showing up in January. You might want to get a head start!”

My yearly Christmas assignment — sending out Christmas cards to people I only contact once a year and haven’t seen since that last family reunion when I was in fifth grade. Oh joy.

Mom doesn’t stop with the cards.

” Have you been invited to any Christmas parties? “

she asks. Which is secret code for

” How’s your social life? “

And that’s always followed by

” Do you have  a date?

Which is not so secret code for

” Is there any remote possibility of grandchildren before the decade is out? “

(Sighs)

That’s Mom. Christmas is for family, and preferably family that is adding members both legally and biologically, and preferably in that order. Though last Christmas she actually told Aunt Marge that she was willing to accept a reversal in the process … We almost had to call the paramedics. That Christmas was a joyful one.

Okay, yes, I used to look forward to Christmas. What kid doesn’t love all the lights and the decorations and the presents? And when I was a teenager and in college, you couldn’t keep me away from a party. But these days —  these days I’m wondering what the fuss is all really about.

Every year it’s the same thing. Ads, muzak, lighting competitions sponsored by the power company — that doesn’t hurt their end-of-the-year profits — and the same dull parties with the same dull people spouting the same dull platitudes. And then when it’s all done, what’s changed? The world goes back to the way it was before. And Mom is left once again with no engagement to announce to her bridge club. That’s what Christmas is like for me.

I want it to be different. I really do. I want that joy back that I used to have at Christmas. Not the kind of joy of getting presents, but real joy. The joy of being certain that something special was happening, that when it was all done, the world would indeed be better. More hopeful. More peaceful. More joyful…. that’s what I want my Christmas to be.

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Coincidence? Or is the Universe finally telling me something? Either way, I do feel that this Christmas is special — in more ways than one.

And like I always say, this’d better be good, Universe, this’d better be good.

xoxo

30 Things I Learned at 30

30.  People will always disappoint you.

29.  Good friends will stand by you, no matter what, no questions asked.

28.  I like my men clean cut, tall and funny. Especially funny.

27.  I’m a sucker for sappy love stories.

26.  Carpe diem!

25.  You still have to mind your p’s and q’s, dot your i’s and cross your t’s.

24.  There’s a time for everything. Having said that, there’s a reason for everything too.

23.  That I can put up with so much crap.

22. Wanting and needing are two very different things. I learned it the hard way.

21.  I’ll always be a little kid at heart.

20.  How to perfect a mean chicken macaroni salad.

19.  Little things do matter.

18.  That I am going to be a good therapist.  

17.  I could really be a smart-ass.

16.  That you could really be flexible in certain positions … ahem *wink**wink*

15.  How to fall from a 20 foot ravine and still keep your composure.

14.  Knowing when to hold on, hold back and let go.

13.  Saying yes when you really mean yes.

12.  That it’s not unprofessional to take your birthday off! It’s my day, I have the right to spend it however I want it!

11.  Mothers are well, will always be mothers. No matter how grown up you become, mothers will always see you as their babies.

10.  A little luck, lots of hard work and prayer go a long way.

9.   Friday nights are what your girls are for.

8.   That you can go from a size 18-20 to a size 10. If interested, inquire within.

7.   People watching is so much fun!

6.   Family trumps everything. And I mean everything.

5.   That sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we still hope…..

4.   I can really be stubborn and anal for my own damn good.

3.   Being 30 is not the end of the world. Feels like it, but it’s really not.

2.   You’re never too young or too old to go on adventures.

1.   I’m ready to fall inlove all over again.   

So as I turn 30 today, I’m grateful for all that I have — the roof over my head, the food on my table, the clothes on my back and the people in my life that matters the most.

Here’s hoping for another great year ahead!

xoxo

Turning Thirty

I’ll be 30 in about six weeks.

Just saying that makes me feel, um, I don’t know — old. I know, I know, age is nothing but a number but this is different. This is the big three-o, the end of an era kind of thing.

Suddenly I felt like Joey from Friends, making a deal with God to be 29 forever. If only it was that simple.

It’s not that I’m dreading it. It’s not the end of the world for crying out loud — well, that’s what my 30-something friends say anyway.  I still have at least a month and a half to enjoy the last days of my twenties…. just in case the world does end.

Before, thirty is so far away! It’s so far away that it’s a dot. Now the dot has become a splatter. Pretty soon, it’ll be that dark cloud looming over my head, taunting me. Mocking me even.

So as I approach the last days of the last two-decades-and-then-some of my life,  I find myself  looking at the mirror, staring at what it seems like the same yet different girl.

Jaded. Cynical. But still funny as hell and passionate and loyal to a fault.

I may be wiser and a tad more mature but I still find fulfillment in simple things. A simple life. Simple wants and needs.  Although life is already complicated as it is.

So turning thirty, eh?  It doesn’t feel that significant anymore — unless you’re going to buy some booze and you’re wanting to be carded. Like when you’re at the check out counter and the cashier looks at you and just proceeded to ring up all the alcohol one could fathomly consume in what’s supposed-to-be-the-end-of-an-era-night-kind-of-thing and not even ask for an ID and you giving him the death stare with your eyes in slits thinking, “I am not that old!!!”

Thirty. Treinta.  Dertig.  Trente.  Dreißig.  Trinta.  тридцать.  kolmekymmentä.  Tatlumpo.

Many ways to say thirty… but the thing is, it’s just that. A number. No more, no less.  What matters most is what you’ve become at thirty.

So, should I still make a fuss about leaving my twenties and entering the next decade of my life?  Well, I don’t really have a choice, do I?

xoxo

Requiem

She felt sick.

With hands trembling, she tried to sit down and calm herself  but no such luck.  She thought, so this is how it feels…. I thought I’m gonna be okay but truth is, I’m not.  I shouldn’t have opened that Pandora’s box………

Waves and upon waves of emotions tide over her. Denial. Hurt. Sadness.

The realization that it can and maybe will never be. Never was?

Everybody deserves to be happy. Even if that means that somebody has to  get hurt. Even if right now, her heart is breaking into a million pieces all over again.

Doesn’t true love mean that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be?  And like any other failed love story, it leaves a mark that no time can ever erase. It may diminish, it may not go away completely, but after a while, it’s not so overwhelming.

But then, there are moments like this.

And for the first time, she felt free. Free at last. Gone are the shackles that bound her to him. As a solitary tear slids off her cheek as she laid down to sleep, she knows in her heart that it’s not because she’s grieving over her past love, the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, but finally the realization that he was never hers.  Never did.  They might’ve shared moments, of shared passion, he might’ve even given her a fraction of himself but he never gave her his heart.

With this final understanding, came the final nail in the coffin of the not meant to be.

And with that, she can finally be happy.

xoxo

To Mai, with Love

Inspired by Hope Dies Last.

Dear Mai,

By the time you read this, I imagine  that in the hopefully-not-so-distant future you are curled up in your favorite chair with a mug of hot chocolate in hand, reminiscing your past love(s) and at the same time being grateful for finally finding the ONE.

It has been a long journey, hasn’t it? It only seemed yesterday that that fateful day happened — when the rug was unceremoniously yanked from underneath you and your world came crashing down. I remembered how hurt  and broken you were. You needn’t say the words. The look on your face said it all.

And you thought you’d never get over HIM.

Yet here we are. And I am so happy for you.  I know you have wanted this for so long  that  I can’t even express the joy and the excitement that I feel for you. And although I know deep inside that you are happy too, sometimes I can’t help but wonder what if ?

What if  he never left you?

What if  he wanted you back?

What good would that do?

You wouldn’t have known your strength if he had stayed. You wouldn’t have known the depth of your feelings had he not broken your heart. You wouldn’t have become a better person — a little bit jaded, yes, but a little bit more wordly and wise.

And honestly, you’d be stupid to take him back. I’m sorry for being crass, but I love you too much to see you get hurt and broken again. Plus I don’t think I could stand all the ensuing dramas after that. Remember when each sad lovesong became your theme song?  How each sob, unrequited love story was your own? And how foolish you were to believe all that he said? 

But you know what?  He’s an even bigger fool for letting you go. He was right on one thing though — you deserve somebody better.  I remember all that and more. I remembered how those very same words haunted you, gave you hope that maybe, just maybe…..

It’ll always be a maybe.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

It couldn’t have been more black and white than that.

Mere memories. Just another old photograph.

I know you thought you loved him. And by God, I did too, but the truth is, you only loved the man you thought he was.  I know sweetie, the truth hurts. 

The truth also sets you free. 

It feels good, doesn’t it? Take a deep, slow breath and let it all out. Suddenly, it’s not that gray anymore, the world has become a tapestry of colors that you didn’t even notice before. And for a moment, you even think that the sun is shining a little bit brighter.

And I know, vintage me, as if on cue, your the ONE is walking towards you… with that warm smile of his that you have come to know and  love, slowly spreading across his face as he sits besides you and gives you a tender kiss. As he playfully brushes that strand of hair away from your face, you look deeply into his eyes and think how lucky you are to have finally found him. When in reality, Mai, he is lucky to have found you.

Remember when you used to ask your friends how’d they know if he’s the one? Now you finally understood.

You just know.

You realize that those damned poets do know what they’re writing about. That when they write about being blind for so long and finally have seen clearly for the first time, you finally get it. That finally, it felt feels right. 

So, eventhough that I know this time it’s different, hold back a little bit. But love, nonetheless.

Take this moment to let him know that having him in your life makes it better every single day that you’re living it.  Tell him that no matter what happens you’ll always be here and that you love him. Now, forever and everyday in between.

We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And as this letter comes to a close, remember always, always that I love you, Mai. You probably might not hear much from me these days but always know that I’m just a thought away.

Take care.

Your inner drama queen,

Moi