Crash Into You

I’ve been looking at the calendar  as yet another summer comes to a close. Fall is just around the corner, I could feel and smell the crispness of the autumn air. It’s no secret that it is my favorite season of the year. It’s no secret nor coincidence either that it was the same season that I first fell for a guy. My heart got subsequently broken in the process but that’s just how it goes. What didn’t kill me only made me stronger.

Jaded — check. Cynical —  a big, fat check. But despite those, I don’t know, I’m still a romantic at heart although I’m not as naive as I was. Like I’ve always said, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. Even a few months ago. Hell, even five minutes ago! But some people and some people say that some love(s) stay with you. That’s just how it goes.

What if you want to leave that piece of you behind? Like how trees shed their leaves in preparation for the long winter ahead. It’s a bit unfair, don’t you think? It’s unfair that that part of yesterday will always be with you and you’ve got no say about it. No matter how things change. How people change.

But I know better now. I know better now not to confuse love with lust. Nor with want or need. Nor a yes when it really meant no.

I have learned to be my own person. Granted, I might be a singleton at the moment but I still long for the flutters, that one spontaneous spark. I still wish on that same shooting star that maybe, maybe just this once, it’d let me crash into you.

 

xoxo

 

Every Night Is Another Story

So yet another first date, another first hello. Another night, another cup of coffee, another round of stories, another goodbye. And oh yeah, dinner, if it comes to that. Maybe a glass of wine or two after.

It’s beginning to be the norm for me nowadays. So since that’s the case, I’ve decided to write about my so-called dating life. Not that I haven’t done that before, but I guess I want to do it from a perspective of a thirty-something. There, I said it, thirty-something — no, the world didn’t end and yes, I can finally say I’m that old and not have an ensuing nervous breakdown.

So from the highs and the lows, the hits and the misses (hopefully more hits than misses), the awkwardness and the comfortable silence, from the obscure to the profound, from each exchanged photos to the photoshopped ones, from each memorable spark to fuzzy recollections, to every yay or nay, it’s all gonna be in black and white.

Maybe the Universe will finally take pity. That or the Universe will finally give in from my relentless pestering.

xoxo

Laundry List (Part Deux)

In accordance to an earlier post………

Things I needed to do and hopefully accomplish before or by the time I turn 30:

 1.   Be a full fledged physical therapist —   I’ve got two months left!

2.   Lose another 20 – 25 lbs — having a weight loss challenge with friends

3.   Pay off my car. I only have a few months left on it  :)  — one more month!!!!!

4.   Read Dan Brown’s new novel,  “The Lost Symbol”  — I don’t have enough downtime .. what between Facebook, Tumblr and my blog, I need more  ”me”  time

5.   Have my car detailed. I haven’t done it since I bought it LOL… car washes — yep, detailing — to follow —  well I’ve got no excuse — I’ve just been lazy

6.   Buy a new laptop —  my old one has so much sentimental value

7.   Go to Disneyland  (yey!)  — right after I’m done with internship

8.   Learn how to ski  (or even snowboard — again) — on my list next season

9.   Go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!  — sometime this year

10.  Expand my social circle.

11.  Throw away all my junk.

12.  Run more often (that would require a LOT of work LOL).  hmmmm……….. yeah LOL

13.  Speak up.

14.  Go on vacay —   already in the books for next year … wait, do mini-vacays count??????

15.  Take more pictures.

16.  Reconnect with old friends.

17.  Do I dare say fall in love again????  — was just about to but things got a little bit complicated so I’m still holding off  on that thought…..

xoxo

Between Order and Randomness

Dear Past Boyfriend,

First of all, I’m not wanting to get back together.  Three of the six months of our so-called relationship of pure uncertainty has been enough. I have moved on and I am over you and yes, I’m doing really well, thanks for asking.

You’re probably wondering why after all this time, here I am, writing you a letter. It has been what, nine…ten months?  So much has happened between now and then that the days have started to blur, and memories have faded into gray, along with the aches and pains of heartbreak. The thing is, I was cleaning my room the other day and I stumbled upon the ex-  box — you know, the box where you put all the things that remind you of that person after breaking up — and it just so happened that I opened yours.

At first I didn’t know what to make of it.  Should I keep it or throw it away? One part of me wants to throw it away, just so to be done with it. I mean, why torture myself with memories that remind me of yet another failure? But a bigger part of me wants to keep it, because as glutton for punishments as I am, I realized that you’ll always be a part of me. A part of my life. No matter how fleeting it was. And nothing I do will ever change that.

So yeah, therein that box lay the valentine’s card with the teddy bear, the shot glass, the woven bracelet you got me when you went to Hawaii, the kissing balm that you thought was too girly for you, a couple of movie stubs, the trail map of Saratoga Gap, the necklace you gave me for my birthday and pictures of happier times.

I wasn’t expecting that such simple keepsakes could still evoke powerful emotions within me. I had that sudden pang of longing, a bit of regret and a dull ache that reminds me that even though I have healed nicely, there’s still that scar. Somehow a proof that yes, I have once loved and lost.

Closure.

I guess that’s what this is all about. I’ve come to that point where I can finally give myself closure.  It’s funny how opening Pandora’s box could actually give me what I’ve been trying to do for months. I tried to remember how it was, what we had and how we were but all that I was able to conjure were faded memories. All that remained were silhouettes in the dark. I actually have to look long and hard at the pictures, but somehow still I was left wondering about those special moments. You see, I’m at that point where I could think back and think of you with a smile rather than breaking down into pieces.

I’ve been asked what have I learned? Or did I learn anything for that matter? Because you see if I haven’t, or didn’t, then those are six months of my life I’ll never get back.  And actually, I did.  A lot, in fact.  I’ve realized that my wants and needs are different. That my wants are different from my needs. That I need someone who can be my rock — someone I can lean on either through the good or the bad. I need someone who won’t give up on me, despite my quirks and flaws, who won’t be running to the hills at the first sign of trouble.  I need someone who knows what they want in life, because I do. And I need someone who says exactly what’s on their mind — I’m good at crossword puzzles, but not so much on people puzzles.  Sadly, past boyfriend, you were hit and/or miss. I don’t deny though that there was a time in my life where YOU  were exactly what I needed and wanted.

So if by chance,  you are reading this, I really hope you are happy.  Everybody deserves it, even though you told me once you don’t think you’re capable of loving again. Remember when we were just starting to date, when you told me that you don’t have a lot of friends and I said that I could be your friend? I still mean it. That still holds true.

Closure.

As I move on to the next chapter of my storied life, what I’m really trying to say is that no matter where you are, and whether you stumble upon this or not,  I wish you all the success, happiness and love one could possibly wish for. And I hope you do find what you’re looking for.

As for me, all you need to know is that I’m happy.

- Mai

P.S.  oh btw, you’re not a Scorpio, you’re actually a Sagittarius — just wanted to point that out.

Crossroads

I’ve never been good with goodbyes. Actually,  I suck at it. The last time I had to, I ended up holding on more than I should’ve, believing all the empty words and false hopes, before reality slapped me in the face and left me reeling. The last time I had to, I ended up looking stupid and in the process lost my dignity, when in fact there’s nothing else left to do but to pick up the pieces that were left behind.

It’s such a simple word isn’t it? If only by saying it can make things that simple. If only by saying it can make things alright. Like magic. One snap of a finger and everything’s better and you don’t have to worry about tommorow and all the what ifs and the what nots. But I don’t have a magic wand. I don’t even have a fairy godmother nor even one of the seven dwarfs. I even have trouble pronouncing wingardium leviosa . Is it wingardium le-viosa or levi-osa? Where do you enunciate?

Can there be any sadder word?

But along with goodbye comes change. I don’t think one could exist without the other.  And since I suck at  farewells, it is safe to assume that I’m no fan of change either.  I have to have a constant in my life.  The irony in that is that nothing is more constant in this world  except change.  I don’t think I’ can just pack up and leave like some people can. But I am trying. To embrace change, I mean. I know better than argue that it is good for the soul, because it is.

With change also comes vulnerability.  Nothing makes you more human than that.  To be stripped down to your bare essentials. Who wants to bare their all anyway just to get battered and bruised in the end? Who wants to be seen on their most desperate and weakest moments?  The whole paradox of it all is that you are only strongest at your weakest.

So  as winter fades into spring, as the leaves start to blossom and as the last remnants of cold slithers away into the warm sunshine , a new beginning waits for me.  Another chapter to be written. Another frontier yet to be discovered. Another round of firsts.

Am I excited?  YES!

Am I scared?  Hell yeah but I’m taking one deep breath. Then one giant leap with eyes wide open.  I’ve worked too hard and too damn long to chicken out now.

To my Forest family, I wave goodbye with a heavy heart and a heavy hand. I look back with fond memories. It was my home away from home. It has witnessed a lot of my triumphs and heartbreaks. All my dramedies and tears. I couldn’t ask for a better place to start than there. And as cliched as it may sound, all good things come to an end. This is my stop. This is where I get off. 

I’m all grown up now. Gone is the naive 22 year old girl that first set foot there seven years ago.  Although it may seem like nothing has changed, the truth is that everything has changed.

Goodbyes. Changes. Vulnerability. It’s a lot to take in.

The best thing about saying goodbye?  That one chance to say hello.

And this time, I’m not scared anymore.

xoxo

Requiem

She felt sick.

With hands trembling, she tried to sit down and calm herself  but no such luck.  She thought, so this is how it feels…. I thought I’m gonna be okay but truth is, I’m not.  I shouldn’t have opened that Pandora’s box………

Waves and upon waves of emotions tide over her. Denial. Hurt. Sadness.

The realization that it can and maybe will never be. Never was?

Everybody deserves to be happy. Even if that means that somebody has to  get hurt. Even if right now, her heart is breaking into a million pieces all over again.

Doesn’t true love mean that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be?  And like any other failed love story, it leaves a mark that no time can ever erase. It may diminish, it may not go away completely, but after a while, it’s not so overwhelming.

But then, there are moments like this.

And for the first time, she felt free. Free at last. Gone are the shackles that bound her to him. As a solitary tear slids off her cheek as she laid down to sleep, she knows in her heart that it’s not because she’s grieving over her past love, the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, but finally the realization that he was never hers.  Never did.  They might’ve shared moments, of shared passion, he might’ve even given her a fraction of himself but he never gave her his heart.

With this final understanding, came the final nail in the coffin of the not meant to be.

And with that, she can finally be happy.

xoxo

Prologue

As with every story, there’s a beginning.

So here I am, sitting in a hotel room trying to conjure my own. Where do I start? More so, how do I start? With so much that had happened in my twenty something years, should I just continue where I left off? Or should I start off fresh?

That’s the beauty of new beginnings — you start with a clean slate. But as broken and conflicted as I was, as I am, I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna have my own.  Or even a happy ending, for that matter.  Sometimes a beginning, sometimes an end, but never both.

Not that I’ve become cynical. Nor a pessimist. Yes there are days that I do view the glass half empty but one is bound to have one of those one way or the other.  I’m not an eternal optimist either. I tried but I came to realize that some things can never be.  You just have to accept that fact and deal.

Which is the story of my life, basically.

While it’s true that you can’t have everything at once, that doesn’t mean you stop trying.  Or living. Even loving.

So what gives?

Although I’m quite happy with my life right now, something’s amiss.

Wait, did I just write happy??? I can actually hear a collective gasp! 

I am actually happy and content. Hard to believe but here I am six months status post. 

What, with good friends and family, what more could a girl ask for?

I guess I’m ready for my slab of clean slate.  Honestly, moping around sucks the life out of you and I’m tired.

I’m tired of dwelling in the past, of all the baggage.

I’m tired of playing the part and I’m tired of justifying my actions.

I’m ready.

I’m finally ready.

No more commas. Or colons. Or semicolons.

Definitely a period.

The page is turning, awaiting the next chapter.

And until then, I’m going to laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that eventually, all the pieces fall into place.

xoxo

Stages

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we’re dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief:

We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true.

We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.

Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. Or one more chance.

When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can.

We let go…….

We let go and move into acceptance.

After that?

A new beginning.  Starting over. Moving on.

But that doesn’t mean you completely forget. That’s what memories are for.

After all, hope springs eternal.

xoxo

What a Difference a Day Makes

Eleven months ago,  a girl met this guy.  They went for coffee and spent time getting to know each other.  She thought at first that he didn’t really like her because at the end of the date, he didn’t even walk her to her car. Turned out that he was nervous and thought that she didn’t really like him, too. 

She sent him a thank you email and with that, he asked her out again.  And the second date was followed by a third, a fourth, a fifth,  and like they say, the rest is history.

Fast forward to six months later, everything blew up in her face.  Broken and rejected, she tried to pick up the pieces of what’s left of her.  Obsessively dissecting what went wrong, what she could’ve done that would’ve made a difference…. shoulda, coulda, woulda. But you see the thing was,  there was no fixing it. Not when the other has already decided that it wasn’t working for him. Not when he has already made up his mind. Not when he has already given up.  How can you fight against that?

A friend of hers once asked, ” Do you think he’s the ONE? “  and for a moment she was rendered speechless because she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know! How could that be???  Weren’t you supposed to know especially if you’ve been spending time together? Whatever happened to soulmates and that sort of stuff?  That should’ve been her first clue… but blinded as she was, she pushed that doubt in the back of her mind.

Fast forward to present-day…. after all the dramas and after some of her friends threatened to disown her (they can only take too much LOL )…. she thinks she’s finally getting over him.  Getting over — and not just getting by. They were right, just when you thought you’ll never get over that one person, the one with all the almosts… you do — a couple of  months and some powdered donuts  later LOL. Not that she had donuts….

To borrow a quote, ” I remember the boy, but I don’t remember the feelings anymore.”

xoxo

Incomplete

Dear Diary…………

 

I haven’t written those words in eight years. Eight long years. Not that I’ve forgotten it. I guess I just… grew up. And in the process I left it behind. Gone were the times when I felt so desolate that I would lock myself up in my room and write to my heart’s content — pouring all my dreams, my triumphs… even my heartbreaks.

 

With the advent of technology, it got replaced by my blog(s). But you know what? It doesn’t feel the same… there’s nothing like putting pen into paper and just letting go. No inhibitions. No ground rules.

 

Yet here I am…..

 

Right now I kinda have the difficulty of finding the right words. Before, all I have to do was begin with “Dear Diary” and the words would just flow. Although I have to admit that most of the stuff that I wrote were about my insecurities, angst and dramedies. Come to think of it, I wrote when I was at my lowest of lows, saddest of sad….. I never wrote well when I was at my utmost happiest. I guess dramas and tragedies were my muse.

 

And it hasn’t changed much since.

 

I thought I was finally happy for the first time in my life. But of course, it can never be. Yeah, I may be smiling and goofy and stuff, but you have to understand that that took years of practice. How come when I thought and hoped, even prayed, that maybe, just maybe …. I’m bound for disappointment? I’m not asking for too much.

 

I thought I’ve finally understood my demons…. conquered them even. But I guess it’s the truth when they say that you can never outrun your past. Not that I ever did. Now I’m not even sure that I faced them either. Truth is, I feel like I’m lost….

 

I’m having my doubts again. I knew in the back of mind that I guess I can never have everything. Everything has a price. That’s why for the longest time ever, I was truly afraid to be completely happy. Because I know sooner or later, I’ll end up losing it all. And lose indeed.

 

I mean, what’s wrong with me? What’s so utterly wrong? Am I that unlovable? There’s REJECT tattooed all over my forehead. Yeah I know you’d say that I’m crazy for thinking those thoughts but I never said I was normal either. Another thing to blame on my parents LOL….

 

I should’ve known better than be vulnerable. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. How can I be sooooo stupid? Haven’t I mastered the art of running towards the nearest exit as soon as somebody gets too close for comfort? I thought I could finally begin to trust….

 

And look where it landed me.

 

I’m getting quite tired of the cycle. You trust. You love. You lose. Unrequited love is such a bitch. It hurts, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I wonder will I ever have that one person whom I can bare my innermost self into? I hate it that I’m sounding like Ally McBeal but what can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic. Always was. Always is.

 

I guess happiness is all relative. Maybe I am happy and I just don’t know it. Or maybe it’s just that I am looking for it in the wrong places that it’s right there, in front of me. Maybe…..

 

One could only hope, right?