Crash Into You

I’ve been looking at the calendar  as yet another summer comes to a close. Fall is just around the corner, I could feel and smell the crispness of the autumn air. It’s no secret that it is my favorite season of the year. It’s no secret nor coincidence either that it was the same season that I first fell for a guy. My heart got subsequently broken in the process but that’s just how it goes. What didn’t kill me only made me stronger.

Jaded — check. Cynical —  a big, fat check. But despite those, I don’t know, I’m still a romantic at heart although I’m not as naive as I was. Like I’ve always said, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. Even a few months ago. Hell, even five minutes ago! But some people and some people say that some love(s) stay with you. That’s just how it goes.

What if you want to leave that piece of you behind? Like how trees shed their leaves in preparation for the long winter ahead. It’s a bit unfair, don’t you think? It’s unfair that that part of yesterday will always be with you and you’ve got no say about it. No matter how things change. How people change.

But I know better now. I know better now not to confuse love with lust. Nor with want or need. Nor a yes when it really meant no.

I have learned to be my own person. Granted, I might be a singleton at the moment but I still long for the flutters, that one spontaneous spark. I still wish on that same shooting star that maybe, maybe just this once, it’d let me crash into you.

 

xoxo

 

Only Hope

 

Her thoughts are scattered in different directions. Her mind can’t still grope the reality of it.

It all started with an email. Now she’s scared that his last is gonna be the end of it.  It would just be fitting, wouldn’t it?

But what can she do?  Her and him only  have had  have had three weeks. They had two years.  How can she compete with that? How can she compete with two years’ worth of history? 

But what if he’s the ONE? Doesn’t she owe it to herself to find out?  To fight for what they had, for the possibility of what they’re going to have?

The thing is, she doesn’t have great expectations in the first place.  She exactly knew what she was getting herself into. The thing she didn’t count on was that she started to really like him. Dare say, started to care too?

So yeah, at this point, she’s going to give him his space…. to think.  To choose.

She so wanted to let him know how much he means to her but she knows when she’s beat. She may be tough and all, but she also knows how and when to pick her battles.  Besides, she needs some time to think things over too. Clear her head.  This time, she knew better than just hope……

It sounds so clichéd but what was it that they say?

” That if you really love someone, set him free. If  he comes back, it’s meant to be. If  he doesn’t, then he’s not yours to have in the first place…….”

So, the process begins. The waiting. The hoping.

Although deep inside her she wants to scream out,

Pick me. Choose me. LOVE me.

 

xoxo

Unspoken

Soft whispers, almost heard but never spoken…………

How do you really feel about me?  Because if you feel nothing at all, then please, please don’t make me fall for you more than I already have.

I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I care too much, you get a free pass to break my heart.

I’ve never asked what you saw….

Will I ever be enough?

Will you please just once, tell me what you’re thinking?

What are your dreams? How do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

We’ve been together for quite a while but it still seems that I don’t know a lot about you.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you anymore.

I wish that you would just let me in. Because you know what? No matter how hard I tried, you always shut me out. Whenever I come close, you pull away. And that gets tiring after a while. 

I’m not her.

I know I said I love you. I know I said I thought I loved you. Truth? I LOVED YOU.

 

Prologue

As with every story, there’s a beginning.

So here I am, sitting in a hotel room trying to conjure my own. Where do I start? More so, how do I start? With so much that had happened in my twenty something years, should I just continue where I left off? Or should I start off fresh?

That’s the beauty of new beginnings — you start with a clean slate. But as broken and conflicted as I was, as I am, I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna have my own.  Or even a happy ending, for that matter.  Sometimes a beginning, sometimes an end, but never both.

Not that I’ve become cynical. Nor a pessimist. Yes there are days that I do view the glass half empty but one is bound to have one of those one way or the other.  I’m not an eternal optimist either. I tried but I came to realize that some things can never be.  You just have to accept that fact and deal.

Which is the story of my life, basically.

While it’s true that you can’t have everything at once, that doesn’t mean you stop trying.  Or living. Even loving.

So what gives?

Although I’m quite happy with my life right now, something’s amiss.

Wait, did I just write happy??? I can actually hear a collective gasp! 

I am actually happy and content. Hard to believe but here I am six months status post. 

What, with good friends and family, what more could a girl ask for?

I guess I’m ready for my slab of clean slate.  Honestly, moping around sucks the life out of you and I’m tired.

I’m tired of dwelling in the past, of all the baggage.

I’m tired of playing the part and I’m tired of justifying my actions.

I’m ready.

I’m finally ready.

No more commas. Or colons. Or semicolons.

Definitely a period.

The page is turning, awaiting the next chapter.

And until then, I’m going to laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that eventually, all the pieces fall into place.

xoxo

Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

________________________________

Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Buts

I took my chances, but I lost.

I thought maybe… just maybe… but it remained just a maybe.

I wished he was  “the ONE”,  but it wasn’t meant to be.

I tried fixing it, but it’s hard when it’s already broken in the first place.

I thought that him and I were in the same place, but I was left standing on my own.

I hoped that we could somewhat still be friends, but I was a fool to believe so.

I was hurting and broken but I’m all glued back together now.

And I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what he broke. I know I’m better off.

Tequila, anyone?

 

xoxo

Incomplete

Dear Diary…………

 

I haven’t written those words in eight years. Eight long years. Not that I’ve forgotten it. I guess I just… grew up. And in the process I left it behind. Gone were the times when I felt so desolate that I would lock myself up in my room and write to my heart’s content — pouring all my dreams, my triumphs… even my heartbreaks.

 

With the advent of technology, it got replaced by my blog(s). But you know what? It doesn’t feel the same… there’s nothing like putting pen into paper and just letting go. No inhibitions. No ground rules.

 

Yet here I am…..

 

Right now I kinda have the difficulty of finding the right words. Before, all I have to do was begin with “Dear Diary” and the words would just flow. Although I have to admit that most of the stuff that I wrote were about my insecurities, angst and dramedies. Come to think of it, I wrote when I was at my lowest of lows, saddest of sad….. I never wrote well when I was at my utmost happiest. I guess dramas and tragedies were my muse.

 

And it hasn’t changed much since.

 

I thought I was finally happy for the first time in my life. But of course, it can never be. Yeah, I may be smiling and goofy and stuff, but you have to understand that that took years of practice. How come when I thought and hoped, even prayed, that maybe, just maybe …. I’m bound for disappointment? I’m not asking for too much.

 

I thought I’ve finally understood my demons…. conquered them even. But I guess it’s the truth when they say that you can never outrun your past. Not that I ever did. Now I’m not even sure that I faced them either. Truth is, I feel like I’m lost….

 

I’m having my doubts again. I knew in the back of mind that I guess I can never have everything. Everything has a price. That’s why for the longest time ever, I was truly afraid to be completely happy. Because I know sooner or later, I’ll end up losing it all. And lose indeed.

 

I mean, what’s wrong with me? What’s so utterly wrong? Am I that unlovable? There’s REJECT tattooed all over my forehead. Yeah I know you’d say that I’m crazy for thinking those thoughts but I never said I was normal either. Another thing to blame on my parents LOL….

 

I should’ve known better than be vulnerable. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. How can I be sooooo stupid? Haven’t I mastered the art of running towards the nearest exit as soon as somebody gets too close for comfort? I thought I could finally begin to trust….

 

And look where it landed me.

 

I’m getting quite tired of the cycle. You trust. You love. You lose. Unrequited love is such a bitch. It hurts, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I wonder will I ever have that one person whom I can bare my innermost self into? I hate it that I’m sounding like Ally McBeal but what can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic. Always was. Always is.

 

I guess happiness is all relative. Maybe I am happy and I just don’t know it. Or maybe it’s just that I am looking for it in the wrong places that it’s right there, in front of me. Maybe…..

 

One could only hope, right?

 

 

Defining Moments

I thought I’d post one of my old entries from my old blog…..

___________________________

Here I am on a Friday night — again. Yep. I’m home on a date night… date weekend for that matter. But I don’t mind. It’s been a rollercoaster of sorts for me these past few weeks that some peace and quiet’s just what I exactly needed. Just me, myself and I.

I know I’ve been oozing drama lately and I know I’ve been a drag but hey, in my defense, everybody has off days sometimes — except mine has been daaaaaaaaays LOL. Plus, you exactly know that I can be a drama queen hands down so stop complaining :p

If you have noticed, I haven’t used “guess” or “maybe” so far. I mean most of the time I start with ” I guess……” or ” Maybe……” It took a friend of mine to make me see that I have to let people know what I think. Huh? Let me make it clearer — the last time we talked I asked him what’s the most annoying thing about me and he said that sometimes I don’t have an opinion on things… that or I just go along with whatever he says. Une: it’s not that I don’t have one, I do. I’m just afraid to say it for the fear of looking stupid, or worse, rejected. Just in case you missed it, yeah, I do have issues. Hell, who doesn’t? Deux: Because of that dumb voice in my head, I aim to please a little too much that I become too agreeable. And I thought I was just being nice and politically correct most of the time LOL……

You know how there are moments that define our lives? Sometimes it’s so fleeting, you hardly notice it and sometimes it’s so profound that no matter how hard you ignore it, it just won’t go away. It took me a breakup and a badly needed wakeup call to finally realize that you can’t depend and hope on other people for your happiness. I know I’m a novice when it comes to relationships and I know I still have a lot to learn. I just wished that I didn’t have to go through all this pain and turmoil before it all sank in. But hey, that’s how we learn isn’t it?

Thinking about it, it humanized me in a way. Not that I think that I’m perfect or anything like that at all but it made me see myself in a different perspective. I know now that everything’s gonna be alright. That yeah, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. It’s gonna take some time for me though, I have to learn to love myself first and be happy for what and who I am before I dive into the dating pool again. Plus, I admit, I loved him….

So, as to the eternal question — if you’ve loved and lost, will you ever find happiness again? My answer is a definite yes…. in time, yes.

As for me, I am a work in progress.

Mailah version 2.0… pretty soon version 2.1

xoxo

Done

After being in an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks, I am done

…. crying. I can only shed too much tears.

…. hoping that we could still somewhat be friends. Who am I kidding?

…. believing that I am not good enough. Dammit, I am!

…. having regrets on how it turned out and that somehow there’s something I could’ve done to save the relationship.

…. being too hard on myself, because like he said, ” It’s me, not you… ” How did I ever fall for that????

…. trying to fix things that weren’t fixable in the first place.

…. asking the magic 8 ball questions I know the answers to anyway.

…. carpe diem’ing. Sometimes you do have to hold out, even for just a bit.

And yeah, the most important thing?

I’m done being stupid.