Only Hope

 

Her thoughts are scattered in different directions. Her mind can’t still grope the reality of it.

It all started with an email. Now she’s scared that his last is gonna be the end of it.  It would just be fitting, wouldn’t it?

But what can she do?  Her and him only  have had  have had three weeks. They had two years.  How can she compete with that? How can she compete with two years’ worth of history? 

But what if he’s the ONE? Doesn’t she owe it to herself to find out?  To fight for what they had, for the possibility of what they’re going to have?

The thing is, she doesn’t have great expectations in the first place.  She exactly knew what she was getting herself into. The thing she didn’t count on was that she started to really like him. Dare say, started to care too?

So yeah, at this point, she’s going to give him his space…. to think.  To choose.

She so wanted to let him know how much he means to her but she knows when she’s beat. She may be tough and all, but she also knows how and when to pick her battles.  Besides, she needs some time to think things over too. Clear her head.  This time, she knew better than just hope……

It sounds so clichéd but what was it that they say?

” That if you really love someone, set him free. If  he comes back, it’s meant to be. If  he doesn’t, then he’s not yours to have in the first place…….”

So, the process begins. The waiting. The hoping.

Although deep inside her she wants to scream out,

Pick me. Choose me. LOVE me.

 

xoxo

When It Isn’t Like It Should Be

Thursday.

My used-to-be favorite day of the week.  But like all things, my love affair with Thursdays has ended. And like a thief in the night,  I had no idea how it happened. It just did.

But that doesn’t mean I hate Mondays less. 

So yesterday, Thursday of all days, I woke up to the loud screaming of my phone. Grudgingly, I rolled over and blindingly reached for it, thinking that it can’t be 7 am yet… another few minutes… please, please let it be.  I was ready to hit the snooze button one  more time but something tells me this was different.

It was M, my good friend from way back in college.  I was kinda waiting to hear from her, hoping that this call brings good news. As soon as I answered, I asked, “So did you pass?”

Dead silence.

In actuality, it was just probably a second but it felt like an eternity. And even before she uttered those words I was hoping not to hear, I knew. 

Dead silence. Again.

After that, tears flowed. Frustrations were let out. Fears and helplessness, hopelessness surfaced.

All I could offer her were words of comfort and knowing that I am here, listening with no prejudice whatsoever.  I knew exactly what she’s going through. I knew what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking. Because you see, I’ve been through that, too. Not just once. Not twice. I’ve been through it countless times that I wanted to lose count.

I used to think that I got it all planned out :

Un:  Move here to California.

Deux:  Find a job.

Trois:  Take and pass the NPTE.

Quatre:  Find the ONE, fall inlove and have my happily ever after.

My plans got derailed at trois.

First time I took the exams  and failed, it was kinda okay. I knew I didn’t study. I had an excuse. The second time stung a little bit more since I thought I prepared well.  After the nth time, I was so sure that I was so stupid, failing again and again. Doubts and insecurities came rushing to the surface.

Questions lingered in my mind. I doubted my capabilities. I started to doubt myself. But deep inside I knew I could do it. What gives then?

You know the age-old adage, ” If it’s not the right time,  no matter how much you wanted it to happen, it won’t”?

No matter how much I didn’t want to believe it, looking back now, I have to grudgingly admit that that was the case for me. I tried and tried and tried but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Until now.

Everything happens for a reason right? After being an aide for seven years, finally I knew I was ready. Not just ready to take the exams, but ready to be a therapist. But then, of course like most, if not all of the story of my life, I have to take a little detour. Again.

Life gives me lemons, I got to make lemonades LOL. 

I’m hoping all of this will be done before the end of summer. One thing is for sure, this whole journey to be a PT has taught me a lot. It has tested my willpower, definitely tested my patience and endurance. It taught me humility. Most of all, it taught me that a little faith goes a long way.

As for my quatrième plan,  I know it’ll happen.

All in due time.

xoxo

Stages

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we’re dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief:

We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true.

We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.

Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. Or one more chance.

When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can.

We let go…….

We let go and move into acceptance.

After that?

A new beginning.  Starting over. Moving on.

But that doesn’t mean you completely forget. That’s what memories are for.

After all, hope springs eternal.

xoxo

Kismet

kis·met  (kzmt, -mt)  n. Fate; fortune.

Destiny.

Are things really meant to be the way they’re supposed to be?

What if it’s not?

What if?

Do I really believe that everything’s predetermined?  That all of these are just a part of the grandiose plan that the universe has set up?

Things happen for a reason. Or so they say.

I don’t believe it for the most part. I believe that you make your own destiny. That you always have a choice.

Nothing is finite. Nothing is set in stone either.

Sink or swim.

You don’t sink because it’s meant to be. You sank because you let it be.

People don’t say goodbye because they just do. It’s because they want to.

People walk away because they choose to. Because HE chose to.

Destiny?

William Shakespeare once said,  ” Such as we are made of, such we be. ”

In the end, it’s still your call.