Unfinished

Tuesday. 8:30 p.m….

I was in the car, waiting for him to arrive. As soon as he pulled over, I checked myself out one more time in the mirror then stepped out. The sun was about to set, painting the sky with a myriad of colors. My heart was thumping in my chest — second  date jitters?  It seemed for a moment I was unsure…

He grabbed a shirt from the backseat of his car and pulled it over his head with a finesse of a well-oiled machine. With those finely-tuned muscles almost rendering me speechless,  I walked over to where he was and he flashed that heart-stopping smile that I am now being accustomed to.  As we waited outside to be seated, we exchanged the usual pleasantries, still flashing me that megawatt smile from time to time.  And I was thinking, I could get used to that ……….

In the midst of a crowded sushi restaurant, with basically almost no wiggling room, I found myself being drawn to him. It’s not just that pretty face, nor those twinkle in his eyes, nor the clothes that fit him so well he could’ve just stepped out from the pages of  GQ.  It’s his wit, his level of maturity that won me over more than anything else.  And the more we talked, the more I found myself liking him. Beginnings of flutters, I wonder? And I didn’t even have sake!

Teasing.  Laughter.  Witty banters.  What’s a girl not to like?  It’s been a while since I’ve met somebody who can be at par with me and at the same time pique my curiosity.  Plus that damn marquee-lights-up-in-Broadway killer smile. Where’s the dim button when I needed it???

Alas, dinner went by and we were among the few ones left as the restaurant closed.  As we walked out, he asked if I wanted to walk or even drive around.  I got into his car and we drove aimlessly for a while, playing name that tune on his radio.  I can feel the breeze flowing through my hair, feeling carefree and reckless at the same time.

We finally found a secluded spot and he turned the ignition off,  but leaving the music on,  filling the comfortable silence between us.  Moonlight flooded the interior of the car as he slid the moon roof open, adding to the chiseled silhouette of his face.

Running To Stand Still

I’m a fraud.

After a  quasi-brief, chance encounter tonight, I drove away feeling that I don’t even know myself anymore.  Or what I want either.

I felt unnerved.

In the briefest of an instant, I saw my life unravel before me.  A slideshow of 8mm pictures flashing right before my eyes, each one playing with a background music of  its own.

What do I really want? I mean really, really, REALLY want?

I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out I don’t.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Am I that jaded?

Behind that façade of  certainty,  it turns out that that’s just what it is.  A façade. A front.

I’m scared as hell as the next person.

And it feels like these past few weeks, I’ve been chasing something — hoping to catch it. Running after it as if my life depended on it.  But running after what? I’m not even making sense anymore.

I guess deep inside I’m still that naive little girl. Or that blindly stupid 28 year old woman a year ago.

To borrow a quote,  “We keep looking and looking and looking….”

I need to stop running. For once. For once I gotta stop and just be still. 

Maybe this time, it’ll find me. 

xoxo

Hush

In lieu of some events and the consequences that ensued after that, it got me thinking… am I really that transparent?  There are a lot of things I want to say but I’m having trouble finding the right words to even express what I’m feeling. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, talking about emotions… I lost my train of thought there for a moment. 

Distractions. Just what I needed. Sometimes I need it to be able to think clearly. To put things in perspective.

Me. What about?

After some alone time and a lot of thinking, it made me realize that I am wearing my heart out on my sleeve a wee bit too much than what I wanted. So much so that it  made me vulnerable.  So much so that I lost myself in the process.

Does that mean I should just shut everything out? 

But where does that leave me?

Bitter, cynical?

I don’t want to wake up one morning and I find myself to be just that.

I can’t bottle it inside, so pardonnez- moi if  all I write about are my lamentations. And how unfair the universe can be.

And the eternal quest to meet the ONE.

My friends have given me a hard time about my dramas of late and I know they mean well but……

See the thing is, they’re all married.  They have all met the ONE.

Again, where does that leave me?

I’m a single girl amid a sea of  married people. Or couples.

Is it wrong to wish myself that same kind of happily ever after?

I’m not wishing to have a knight in shining armor sweeping me off of my feet…  the hopeless romantic in me refuses to believe so otherwise.

I just want someone to give me the butterflies…….

Someone who makes me weak at the knees……….

I just want someone, dammit! 

Maybe the universe is listening…..

Or maybe I should just shush.

xoxo