Dear Past Boyfriend,
First of all, I’m not wanting to get back together. Three of the six months of our so-called relationship of pure uncertainty has been enough. I have moved on and I am over you and yes, I’m doing really well, thanks for asking.
You’re probably wondering why after all this time, here I am, writing you a letter. It has been what, nine…ten months? So much has happened between now and then that the days have started to blur, and memories have faded into gray, along with the aches and pains of heartbreak. The thing is, I was cleaning my room the other day and I stumbled upon the ex- box — you know, the box where you put all the things that remind you of that person after breaking up — and it just so happened that I opened yours.
At first I didn’t know what to make of it. Should I keep it or throw it away? One part of me wants to throw it away, just so to be done with it. I mean, why torture myself with memories that remind me of yet another failure? But a bigger part of me wants to keep it, because as glutton for punishments as I am, I realized that you’ll always be a part of me. A part of my life. No matter how fleeting it was. And nothing I do will ever change that.
So yeah, therein that box lay the valentine’s card with the teddy bear, the shot glass, the woven bracelet you got me when you went to Hawaii, the kissing balm that you thought was too girly for you, a couple of movie stubs, the trail map of Saratoga Gap, the necklace you gave me for my birthday and pictures of happier times.
I wasn’t expecting that such simple keepsakes could still evoke powerful emotions within me. I had that sudden pang of longing, a bit of regret and a dull ache that reminds me that even though I have healed nicely, there’s still that scar. Somehow a proof that yes, I have once loved and lost.
Closure.
I guess that’s what this is all about. I’ve come to that point where I can finally give myself closure. It’s funny how opening Pandora’s box could actually give me what I’ve been trying to do for months. I tried to remember how it was, what we had and how we were but all that I was able to conjure were faded memories. All that remained were silhouettes in the dark. I actually have to look long and hard at the pictures, but somehow still I was left wondering about those special moments. You see, I’m at that point where I could think back and think of you with a smile rather than breaking down into pieces.
I’ve been asked what have I learned? Or did I learn anything for that matter? Because you see if I haven’t, or didn’t, then those are six months of my life I’ll never get back. And actually, I did. A lot, in fact. I’ve realized that my wants and needs are different. That my wants are different from my needs. That I need someone who can be my rock — someone I can lean on either through the good or the bad. I need someone who won’t give up on me, despite my quirks and flaws, who won’t be running to the hills at the first sign of trouble. I need someone who knows what they want in life, because I do. And I need someone who says exactly what’s on their mind — I’m good at crossword puzzles, but not so much on people puzzles. Sadly, past boyfriend, you were hit and/or miss. I don’t deny though that there was a time in my life where YOU were exactly what I needed and wanted.
So if by chance, you are reading this, I really hope you are happy. Everybody deserves it, even though you told me once you don’t think you’re capable of loving again. Remember when we were just starting to date, when you told me that you don’t have a lot of friends and I said that I could be your friend? I still mean it. That still holds true.
Closure.
As I move on to the next chapter of my storied life, what I’m really trying to say is that no matter where you are, and whether you stumble upon this or not, I wish you all the success, happiness and love one could possibly wish for. And I hope you do find what you’re looking for.
As for me, all you need to know is that I’m happy.
- Mai
P.S. oh btw, you’re not a Scorpio, you’re actually a Sagittarius — just wanted to point that out.
