Crash Into You

I’ve been looking at the calendar  as yet another summer comes to a close. Fall is just around the corner, I could feel and smell the crispness of the autumn air. It’s no secret that it is my favorite season of the year. It’s no secret nor coincidence either that it was the same season that I first fell for a guy. My heart got subsequently broken in the process but that’s just how it goes. What didn’t kill me only made me stronger.

Jaded — check. Cynical —  a big, fat check. But despite those, I don’t know, I’m still a romantic at heart although I’m not as naive as I was. Like I’ve always said, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. Even a few months ago. Hell, even five minutes ago! But some people and some people say that some love(s) stay with you. That’s just how it goes.

What if you want to leave that piece of you behind? Like how trees shed their leaves in preparation for the long winter ahead. It’s a bit unfair, don’t you think? It’s unfair that that part of yesterday will always be with you and you’ve got no say about it. No matter how things change. How people change.

But I know better now. I know better now not to confuse love with lust. Nor with want or need. Nor a yes when it really meant no.

I have learned to be my own person. Granted, I might be a singleton at the moment but I still long for the flutters, that one spontaneous spark. I still wish on that same shooting star that maybe, maybe just this once, it’d let me crash into you.

 

xoxo

 

Laundry List (Part Deux)

In accordance to an earlier post………

Things I needed to do and hopefully accomplish before or by the time I turn 30:

 1.   Be a full fledged physical therapist —   I’ve got two months left!

2.   Lose another 20 – 25 lbs — having a weight loss challenge with friends

3.   Pay off my car. I only have a few months left on it  :)  — one more month!!!!!

4.   Read Dan Brown’s new novel,  “The Lost Symbol”  — I don’t have enough downtime .. what between Facebook, Tumblr and my blog, I need more  ”me”  time

5.   Have my car detailed. I haven’t done it since I bought it LOL… car washes — yep, detailing — to follow —  well I’ve got no excuse — I’ve just been lazy

6.   Buy a new laptop —  my old one has so much sentimental value

7.   Go to Disneyland  (yey!)  — right after I’m done with internship

8.   Learn how to ski  (or even snowboard — again) — on my list next season

9.   Go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!  — sometime this year

10.  Expand my social circle.

11.  Throw away all my junk.

12.  Run more often (that would require a LOT of work LOL).  hmmmm……….. yeah LOL

13.  Speak up.

14.  Go on vacay —   already in the books for next year … wait, do mini-vacays count??????

15.  Take more pictures.

16.  Reconnect with old friends.

17.  Do I dare say fall in love again????  — was just about to but things got a little bit complicated so I’m still holding off  on that thought…..

xoxo

Running To Stand Still

I’m a fraud.

After a  quasi-brief, chance encounter tonight, I drove away feeling that I don’t even know myself anymore.  Or what I want either.

I felt unnerved.

In the briefest of an instant, I saw my life unravel before me.  A slideshow of 8mm pictures flashing right before my eyes, each one playing with a background music of  its own.

What do I really want? I mean really, really, REALLY want?

I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out I don’t.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Am I that jaded?

Behind that façade of  certainty,  it turns out that that’s just what it is.  A façade. A front.

I’m scared as hell as the next person.

And it feels like these past few weeks, I’ve been chasing something — hoping to catch it. Running after it as if my life depended on it.  But running after what? I’m not even making sense anymore.

I guess deep inside I’m still that naive little girl. Or that blindly stupid 28 year old woman a year ago.

To borrow a quote,  “We keep looking and looking and looking….”

I need to stop running. For once. For once I gotta stop and just be still. 

Maybe this time, it’ll find me. 

xoxo

Unspoken

Soft whispers, almost heard but never spoken…………

How do you really feel about me?  Because if you feel nothing at all, then please, please don’t make me fall for you more than I already have.

I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I care too much, you get a free pass to break my heart.

I’ve never asked what you saw….

Will I ever be enough?

Will you please just once, tell me what you’re thinking?

What are your dreams? How do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

We’ve been together for quite a while but it still seems that I don’t know a lot about you.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you anymore.

I wish that you would just let me in. Because you know what? No matter how hard I tried, you always shut me out. Whenever I come close, you pull away. And that gets tiring after a while. 

I’m not her.

I know I said I love you. I know I said I thought I loved you. Truth? I LOVED YOU.

 

Prologue

As with every story, there’s a beginning.

So here I am, sitting in a hotel room trying to conjure my own. Where do I start? More so, how do I start? With so much that had happened in my twenty something years, should I just continue where I left off? Or should I start off fresh?

That’s the beauty of new beginnings — you start with a clean slate. But as broken and conflicted as I was, as I am, I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna have my own.  Or even a happy ending, for that matter.  Sometimes a beginning, sometimes an end, but never both.

Not that I’ve become cynical. Nor a pessimist. Yes there are days that I do view the glass half empty but one is bound to have one of those one way or the other.  I’m not an eternal optimist either. I tried but I came to realize that some things can never be.  You just have to accept that fact and deal.

Which is the story of my life, basically.

While it’s true that you can’t have everything at once, that doesn’t mean you stop trying.  Or living. Even loving.

So what gives?

Although I’m quite happy with my life right now, something’s amiss.

Wait, did I just write happy??? I can actually hear a collective gasp! 

I am actually happy and content. Hard to believe but here I am six months status post. 

What, with good friends and family, what more could a girl ask for?

I guess I’m ready for my slab of clean slate.  Honestly, moping around sucks the life out of you and I’m tired.

I’m tired of dwelling in the past, of all the baggage.

I’m tired of playing the part and I’m tired of justifying my actions.

I’m ready.

I’m finally ready.

No more commas. Or colons. Or semicolons.

Definitely a period.

The page is turning, awaiting the next chapter.

And until then, I’m going to laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that eventually, all the pieces fall into place.

xoxo

Laundry List

Things I needed to do and hopefully accomplish before or by the time I turn 30:

 1.   Be a full fledged physical therapist.

2.   Lose another 20 – 25 lbs.

3.   Pay off my car. I only have a few months left on it  :)

4.   Read Dan Brown’s new novel,  “The Lost Symbol”

5.   Have my car detailed. I haven’t done it since I bought it LOL… car washes — yep, detailing — to follow.

6.   Buy a new laptop.

7.   Go to Disneyland  (yey!)

8.   Learn how to ski  (or even snowboard — again)

9.   Go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!

10.  Expand my social circle.

11.  Throw away all my junk.

12.  Run more often (that would require a LOT of work LOL).

13.  Speak up.

14.  Go on vacay.

15.  Take more pictures.

16.  Reconnect with old friends.

17.  Do I dare say fall in love again????

I know the last one’s pushing it, but one could only hope, right?

Que sera, sera.

 

xoxo