Hiatus

I’ve been a very bad blogger.

I know it has been months since I last updated this blog. Least to say, I’ve been on a hiatus. Hell who am I kidding, this last few months have been uneventful — well lovelife-wise. Sure, I’ve been on dates here and there but that’s just the thing, they were just dates. Hit or miss, hit and miss most of the times. I guess what I’m trying to say is that not one was worth writing about. Damn, am I being too picky?????? Ah, the perils of getting old AND being single.

I’ve had the opportunity lately of being reconnected with old friends and high school classmates and it felt like nothing has changed. Aside from the fact that most of us have families of their own, careers that are flourishing, deep inside we are still those giddy, silly, one-of-a-kind, talented, complicated, competitive teenagers of our high school alma mater, our dear Saint Columban. I have to say those were the greatest years of my life. Well, kinda haha.

And since with all the reminiscing, one can’t avoid THE question(s). Are you married? Dating? Kids? Basically my answers are monosyllables — no, yes and no. I know I’m 30 and as typical with most Asian families, one is expected to finish school by your early 20′s, get married by your mid-20′s and basically be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen by your 30′s. Me being 30 and *gasp!* single at the same time has violated all of it — well, the latter part, that is. What can I say, I was a late bloomer plus the fact that I’m just beginning to enjoy the fruits of my career. It took me 10 years to finally conquer the mountain that was the NPTE. A long time, yes, but it’s all worth it. All of it.

So yeah, right now, I’m loving where I’m at. Dates here and there. Meeting new people. Happy hour with friends. A career that I can honestly say that I love. Not having a lot of expectations but kinda hoping nonetheless. One still has to hope, right?

xoxo

Monologue

Last Sunday, our pastor at the church asked me last minute to read a monologue by Howard Shirley entitled Joy for Christmas — little did I know that this was practically close to home……

*********

It’s Christmas again. Not that the stores haven’t been telling us that since October, when it wasn’t Christmas at all. One of these days they’re just going to lump it all inot one big buying frenzy called “HappyHallowThankAChristmaHannukahdan”, just to cover the bases. But these days you just get Santa Claus stuck in with the Pilgrims, because nobody buys much besides a turkey before Thanksgiving.

Even if the stores weren’t constantly reminding me that it was Christmas, Mom’s always there to back them up. I get her on the phone and it’s,

“Did you remember Christmas is coming? I haven’t gotten my card yet — you have to send them early if you don’t want them showing up in January. You might want to get a head start!”

My yearly Christmas assignment — sending out Christmas cards to people I only contact once a year and haven’t seen since that last family reunion when I was in fifth grade. Oh joy.

Mom doesn’t stop with the cards.

” Have you been invited to any Christmas parties? “

she asks. Which is secret code for

” How’s your social life? “

And that’s always followed by

” Do you have  a date?

Which is not so secret code for

” Is there any remote possibility of grandchildren before the decade is out? “

(Sighs)

That’s Mom. Christmas is for family, and preferably family that is adding members both legally and biologically, and preferably in that order. Though last Christmas she actually told Aunt Marge that she was willing to accept a reversal in the process … We almost had to call the paramedics. That Christmas was a joyful one.

Okay, yes, I used to look forward to Christmas. What kid doesn’t love all the lights and the decorations and the presents? And when I was a teenager and in college, you couldn’t keep me away from a party. But these days —  these days I’m wondering what the fuss is all really about.

Every year it’s the same thing. Ads, muzak, lighting competitions sponsored by the power company — that doesn’t hurt their end-of-the-year profits — and the same dull parties with the same dull people spouting the same dull platitudes. And then when it’s all done, what’s changed? The world goes back to the way it was before. And Mom is left once again with no engagement to announce to her bridge club. That’s what Christmas is like for me.

I want it to be different. I really do. I want that joy back that I used to have at Christmas. Not the kind of joy of getting presents, but real joy. The joy of being certain that something special was happening, that when it was all done, the world would indeed be better. More hopeful. More peaceful. More joyful…. that’s what I want my Christmas to be.

*********

Coincidence? Or is the Universe finally telling me something? Either way, I do feel that this Christmas is special — in more ways than one.

And like I always say, this’d better be good, Universe, this’d better be good.

xoxo

Quarter After One

12:19 a.m.

12:21 a.m.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

As seconds turn into minutes, and as minutes slowly crawl to an hour, I can’t help but feel like everything is at a standstill.  For one moment I could freeze time, close my eyes and know that when I open it once again that I am still where I stood last.

A lot of things has happened in a year. Big things, small things.  A far cry from where I was. A far cry from who I am right now. 

I am not the same person anymore. What was it that they said? That people change for two reasons — either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough to have to.

I am both.

It’s also a testament on how much I’ve grown up. It felt like the things that I’ve missed out on in the first 28 years of my life were crammed into a year. 

Love. Newfound friends. Old friends. Heartaches. Heartbreaks. Career.

On one hand it felt like I was forced to grow up. On the other hand, I think I wouldn’t have done it any different.

I have been told that I am too stubborn for my own good. But then, I have always marched to the beat of my own drum.

Non-conformist, I would say.

Like I know that at my age, society expects me to be married, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen but the thing is, I’m not like everybody else.  When they say turn right, I turn left.  When they say go forward, I take an extra step or two back. 

So yeah at 29, strange as it may seem, but I am biding my time. Taking it slow this time. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Isn’t that reason enough?

1:15 a.m.

xoxo

To Mai, with Love

Inspired by Hope Dies Last.

Dear Mai,

By the time you read this, I imagine  that in the hopefully-not-so-distant future you are curled up in your favorite chair with a mug of hot chocolate in hand, reminiscing your past love(s) and at the same time being grateful for finally finding the ONE.

It has been a long journey, hasn’t it? It only seemed yesterday that that fateful day happened — when the rug was unceremoniously yanked from underneath you and your world came crashing down. I remembered how hurt  and broken you were. You needn’t say the words. The look on your face said it all.

And you thought you’d never get over HIM.

Yet here we are. And I am so happy for you.  I know you have wanted this for so long  that  I can’t even express the joy and the excitement that I feel for you. And although I know deep inside that you are happy too, sometimes I can’t help but wonder what if ?

What if  he never left you?

What if  he wanted you back?

What good would that do?

You wouldn’t have known your strength if he had stayed. You wouldn’t have known the depth of your feelings had he not broken your heart. You wouldn’t have become a better person — a little bit jaded, yes, but a little bit more wordly and wise.

And honestly, you’d be stupid to take him back. I’m sorry for being crass, but I love you too much to see you get hurt and broken again. Plus I don’t think I could stand all the ensuing dramas after that. Remember when each sad lovesong became your theme song?  How each sob, unrequited love story was your own? And how foolish you were to believe all that he said? 

But you know what?  He’s an even bigger fool for letting you go. He was right on one thing though — you deserve somebody better.  I remember all that and more. I remembered how those very same words haunted you, gave you hope that maybe, just maybe…..

It’ll always be a maybe.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

It couldn’t have been more black and white than that.

Mere memories. Just another old photograph.

I know you thought you loved him. And by God, I did too, but the truth is, you only loved the man you thought he was.  I know sweetie, the truth hurts. 

The truth also sets you free. 

It feels good, doesn’t it? Take a deep, slow breath and let it all out. Suddenly, it’s not that gray anymore, the world has become a tapestry of colors that you didn’t even notice before. And for a moment, you even think that the sun is shining a little bit brighter.

And I know, vintage me, as if on cue, your the ONE is walking towards you… with that warm smile of his that you have come to know and  love, slowly spreading across his face as he sits besides you and gives you a tender kiss. As he playfully brushes that strand of hair away from your face, you look deeply into his eyes and think how lucky you are to have finally found him. When in reality, Mai, he is lucky to have found you.

Remember when you used to ask your friends how’d they know if he’s the one? Now you finally understood.

You just know.

You realize that those damned poets do know what they’re writing about. That when they write about being blind for so long and finally have seen clearly for the first time, you finally get it. That finally, it felt feels right. 

So, eventhough that I know this time it’s different, hold back a little bit. But love, nonetheless.

Take this moment to let him know that having him in your life makes it better every single day that you’re living it.  Tell him that no matter what happens you’ll always be here and that you love him. Now, forever and everyday in between.

We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And as this letter comes to a close, remember always, always that I love you, Mai. You probably might not hear much from me these days but always know that I’m just a thought away.

Take care.

Your inner drama queen,

Moi

Prologue

As with every story, there’s a beginning.

So here I am, sitting in a hotel room trying to conjure my own. Where do I start? More so, how do I start? With so much that had happened in my twenty something years, should I just continue where I left off? Or should I start off fresh?

That’s the beauty of new beginnings — you start with a clean slate. But as broken and conflicted as I was, as I am, I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna have my own.  Or even a happy ending, for that matter.  Sometimes a beginning, sometimes an end, but never both.

Not that I’ve become cynical. Nor a pessimist. Yes there are days that I do view the glass half empty but one is bound to have one of those one way or the other.  I’m not an eternal optimist either. I tried but I came to realize that some things can never be.  You just have to accept that fact and deal.

Which is the story of my life, basically.

While it’s true that you can’t have everything at once, that doesn’t mean you stop trying.  Or living. Even loving.

So what gives?

Although I’m quite happy with my life right now, something’s amiss.

Wait, did I just write happy??? I can actually hear a collective gasp! 

I am actually happy and content. Hard to believe but here I am six months status post. 

What, with good friends and family, what more could a girl ask for?

I guess I’m ready for my slab of clean slate.  Honestly, moping around sucks the life out of you and I’m tired.

I’m tired of dwelling in the past, of all the baggage.

I’m tired of playing the part and I’m tired of justifying my actions.

I’m ready.

I’m finally ready.

No more commas. Or colons. Or semicolons.

Definitely a period.

The page is turning, awaiting the next chapter.

And until then, I’m going to laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that eventually, all the pieces fall into place.

xoxo

Linger

Typical Monday.  After a fun weekend, it’s back to the old grind. The only bright spot is that I’m only working three days this week plus it’s thanksgiving this Thursday, my favorite holiday of the year.

As typical as Mondays gets, I look at the calendar and the date stares back at  me — November 23.

Fuck.   As much as I don’t want to remember, it hits me.  A year ago was the first time we met.  And with my mind warping at full speed, I got sucked into a vortex full of memories…. from the awkwardness of that first date, to the easy banter thereafter…. the thrill of the first kiss… the tender unguarded moments…. to the pain and heartbreak of goodbyes.

Stop it. Stop thinking about it. 

 But I can’t. It’s wave after wave after wave.

Places. Things. People. It just brings back too many memories.

Damn.  Just like that, the pain I felt was just as horrible as it was months ago.  I thought it got numbed by time. I was at the point where finally, FINALLY I was moving on.

Then this. Great.

I have to yank myself back to reality. I have to shut my mind because just the thought of it is too much to bear. 

Right now I am hating myself.

Snap out of it! You remember how you were, how low you felt after all was said and done? Do you really want to go back to all of that?

Honestly, for a moment, I almost succumbed. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing it is that I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that there are rare moments when I think of him. Of us.

It’s not one of the great loves that books and poets write about.  But given the right circumstances, I think it has the potential to be one.  You know how they always talk about having the right love at the wrong time? Even Barry Manilow sang one about it. But is there such a thing as having a wrong love at the right time?

Or better yet, the wrong love at the wrong time?

So yeah, I’m ready for this day to be over.

And as typical as Mondays get, I hate Mondays. Always have. Always will.

Tuesday’s another day.

xoxo

What a Difference a Day Makes

Eleven months ago,  a girl met this guy.  They went for coffee and spent time getting to know each other.  She thought at first that he didn’t really like her because at the end of the date, he didn’t even walk her to her car. Turned out that he was nervous and thought that she didn’t really like him, too. 

She sent him a thank you email and with that, he asked her out again.  And the second date was followed by a third, a fourth, a fifth,  and like they say, the rest is history.

Fast forward to six months later, everything blew up in her face.  Broken and rejected, she tried to pick up the pieces of what’s left of her.  Obsessively dissecting what went wrong, what she could’ve done that would’ve made a difference…. shoulda, coulda, woulda. But you see the thing was,  there was no fixing it. Not when the other has already decided that it wasn’t working for him. Not when he has already made up his mind. Not when he has already given up.  How can you fight against that?

A friend of hers once asked, ” Do you think he’s the ONE? “  and for a moment she was rendered speechless because she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know! How could that be???  Weren’t you supposed to know especially if you’ve been spending time together? Whatever happened to soulmates and that sort of stuff?  That should’ve been her first clue… but blinded as she was, she pushed that doubt in the back of her mind.

Fast forward to present-day…. after all the dramas and after some of her friends threatened to disown her (they can only take too much LOL )…. she thinks she’s finally getting over him.  Getting over — and not just getting by. They were right, just when you thought you’ll never get over that one person, the one with all the almosts… you do — a couple of  months and some powdered donuts  later LOL. Not that she had donuts….

To borrow a quote, ” I remember the boy, but I don’t remember the feelings anymore.”

xoxo

Chances

Odds of winning the lottery : 1 in 18 million

Odds of getting pregnant with twins : 1 in 17

Odds of getting struck by lightning :  1 in 5,000

Odds of dying in an airplane crash :  1 in 11 million

Odds of drowning in a bath tub : 1 in 685,000

Odds of being murdered : 1 in 18,000

Odds of having a stroke :  1 in 6

Odds of me falling in love again and finally have my happily ever after :  1 in ?

Odds and ends….

Meredith Grey  said it best —

” You’re letting her think you’re emotionally available. You’re letting her think she has a chance.  And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don’t. “

 

 

xoxo

Incomplete

Dear Diary…………

 

I haven’t written those words in eight years. Eight long years. Not that I’ve forgotten it. I guess I just… grew up. And in the process I left it behind. Gone were the times when I felt so desolate that I would lock myself up in my room and write to my heart’s content — pouring all my dreams, my triumphs… even my heartbreaks.

 

With the advent of technology, it got replaced by my blog(s). But you know what? It doesn’t feel the same… there’s nothing like putting pen into paper and just letting go. No inhibitions. No ground rules.

 

Yet here I am…..

 

Right now I kinda have the difficulty of finding the right words. Before, all I have to do was begin with “Dear Diary” and the words would just flow. Although I have to admit that most of the stuff that I wrote were about my insecurities, angst and dramedies. Come to think of it, I wrote when I was at my lowest of lows, saddest of sad….. I never wrote well when I was at my utmost happiest. I guess dramas and tragedies were my muse.

 

And it hasn’t changed much since.

 

I thought I was finally happy for the first time in my life. But of course, it can never be. Yeah, I may be smiling and goofy and stuff, but you have to understand that that took years of practice. How come when I thought and hoped, even prayed, that maybe, just maybe …. I’m bound for disappointment? I’m not asking for too much.

 

I thought I’ve finally understood my demons…. conquered them even. But I guess it’s the truth when they say that you can never outrun your past. Not that I ever did. Now I’m not even sure that I faced them either. Truth is, I feel like I’m lost….

 

I’m having my doubts again. I knew in the back of mind that I guess I can never have everything. Everything has a price. That’s why for the longest time ever, I was truly afraid to be completely happy. Because I know sooner or later, I’ll end up losing it all. And lose indeed.

 

I mean, what’s wrong with me? What’s so utterly wrong? Am I that unlovable? There’s REJECT tattooed all over my forehead. Yeah I know you’d say that I’m crazy for thinking those thoughts but I never said I was normal either. Another thing to blame on my parents LOL….

 

I should’ve known better than be vulnerable. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. How can I be sooooo stupid? Haven’t I mastered the art of running towards the nearest exit as soon as somebody gets too close for comfort? I thought I could finally begin to trust….

 

And look where it landed me.

 

I’m getting quite tired of the cycle. You trust. You love. You lose. Unrequited love is such a bitch. It hurts, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I wonder will I ever have that one person whom I can bare my innermost self into? I hate it that I’m sounding like Ally McBeal but what can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic. Always was. Always is.

 

I guess happiness is all relative. Maybe I am happy and I just don’t know it. Or maybe it’s just that I am looking for it in the wrong places that it’s right there, in front of me. Maybe…..

 

One could only hope, right?

 

 

Defining Moments

I thought I’d post one of my old entries from my old blog…..

___________________________

Here I am on a Friday night — again. Yep. I’m home on a date night… date weekend for that matter. But I don’t mind. It’s been a rollercoaster of sorts for me these past few weeks that some peace and quiet’s just what I exactly needed. Just me, myself and I.

I know I’ve been oozing drama lately and I know I’ve been a drag but hey, in my defense, everybody has off days sometimes — except mine has been daaaaaaaaays LOL. Plus, you exactly know that I can be a drama queen hands down so stop complaining :p

If you have noticed, I haven’t used “guess” or “maybe” so far. I mean most of the time I start with ” I guess……” or ” Maybe……” It took a friend of mine to make me see that I have to let people know what I think. Huh? Let me make it clearer — the last time we talked I asked him what’s the most annoying thing about me and he said that sometimes I don’t have an opinion on things… that or I just go along with whatever he says. Une: it’s not that I don’t have one, I do. I’m just afraid to say it for the fear of looking stupid, or worse, rejected. Just in case you missed it, yeah, I do have issues. Hell, who doesn’t? Deux: Because of that dumb voice in my head, I aim to please a little too much that I become too agreeable. And I thought I was just being nice and politically correct most of the time LOL……

You know how there are moments that define our lives? Sometimes it’s so fleeting, you hardly notice it and sometimes it’s so profound that no matter how hard you ignore it, it just won’t go away. It took me a breakup and a badly needed wakeup call to finally realize that you can’t depend and hope on other people for your happiness. I know I’m a novice when it comes to relationships and I know I still have a lot to learn. I just wished that I didn’t have to go through all this pain and turmoil before it all sank in. But hey, that’s how we learn isn’t it?

Thinking about it, it humanized me in a way. Not that I think that I’m perfect or anything like that at all but it made me see myself in a different perspective. I know now that everything’s gonna be alright. That yeah, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. It’s gonna take some time for me though, I have to learn to love myself first and be happy for what and who I am before I dive into the dating pool again. Plus, I admit, I loved him….

So, as to the eternal question — if you’ve loved and lost, will you ever find happiness again? My answer is a definite yes…. in time, yes.

As for me, I am a work in progress.

Mailah version 2.0… pretty soon version 2.1

xoxo