Only Hope

 

Her thoughts are scattered in different directions. Her mind can’t still grope the reality of it.

It all started with an email. Now she’s scared that his last is gonna be the end of it.  It would just be fitting, wouldn’t it?

But what can she do?  Her and him only  have had  have had three weeks. They had two years.  How can she compete with that? How can she compete with two years’ worth of history? 

But what if he’s the ONE? Doesn’t she owe it to herself to find out?  To fight for what they had, for the possibility of what they’re going to have?

The thing is, she doesn’t have great expectations in the first place.  She exactly knew what she was getting herself into. The thing she didn’t count on was that she started to really like him. Dare say, started to care too?

So yeah, at this point, she’s going to give him his space…. to think.  To choose.

She so wanted to let him know how much he means to her but she knows when she’s beat. She may be tough and all, but she also knows how and when to pick her battles.  Besides, she needs some time to think things over too. Clear her head.  This time, she knew better than just hope……

It sounds so clichéd but what was it that they say?

” That if you really love someone, set him free. If  he comes back, it’s meant to be. If  he doesn’t, then he’s not yours to have in the first place…….”

So, the process begins. The waiting. The hoping.

Although deep inside her she wants to scream out,

Pick me. Choose me. LOVE me.

 

xoxo

Requiem

She felt sick.

With hands trembling, she tried to sit down and calm herself  but no such luck.  She thought, so this is how it feels…. I thought I’m gonna be okay but truth is, I’m not.  I shouldn’t have opened that Pandora’s box………

Waves and upon waves of emotions tide over her. Denial. Hurt. Sadness.

The realization that it can and maybe will never be. Never was?

Everybody deserves to be happy. Even if that means that somebody has to  get hurt. Even if right now, her heart is breaking into a million pieces all over again.

Doesn’t true love mean that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be?  And like any other failed love story, it leaves a mark that no time can ever erase. It may diminish, it may not go away completely, but after a while, it’s not so overwhelming.

But then, there are moments like this.

And for the first time, she felt free. Free at last. Gone are the shackles that bound her to him. As a solitary tear slids off her cheek as she laid down to sleep, she knows in her heart that it’s not because she’s grieving over her past love, the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, but finally the realization that he was never hers.  Never did.  They might’ve shared moments, of shared passion, he might’ve even given her a fraction of himself but he never gave her his heart.

With this final understanding, came the final nail in the coffin of the not meant to be.

And with that, she can finally be happy.

xoxo

When It Isn’t Like It Should Be

Thursday.

My used-to-be favorite day of the week.  But like all things, my love affair with Thursdays has ended. And like a thief in the night,  I had no idea how it happened. It just did.

But that doesn’t mean I hate Mondays less. 

So yesterday, Thursday of all days, I woke up to the loud screaming of my phone. Grudgingly, I rolled over and blindingly reached for it, thinking that it can’t be 7 am yet… another few minutes… please, please let it be.  I was ready to hit the snooze button one  more time but something tells me this was different.

It was M, my good friend from way back in college.  I was kinda waiting to hear from her, hoping that this call brings good news. As soon as I answered, I asked, “So did you pass?”

Dead silence.

In actuality, it was just probably a second but it felt like an eternity. And even before she uttered those words I was hoping not to hear, I knew. 

Dead silence. Again.

After that, tears flowed. Frustrations were let out. Fears and helplessness, hopelessness surfaced.

All I could offer her were words of comfort and knowing that I am here, listening with no prejudice whatsoever.  I knew exactly what she’s going through. I knew what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking. Because you see, I’ve been through that, too. Not just once. Not twice. I’ve been through it countless times that I wanted to lose count.

I used to think that I got it all planned out :

Un:  Move here to California.

Deux:  Find a job.

Trois:  Take and pass the NPTE.

Quatre:  Find the ONE, fall inlove and have my happily ever after.

My plans got derailed at trois.

First time I took the exams  and failed, it was kinda okay. I knew I didn’t study. I had an excuse. The second time stung a little bit more since I thought I prepared well.  After the nth time, I was so sure that I was so stupid, failing again and again. Doubts and insecurities came rushing to the surface.

Questions lingered in my mind. I doubted my capabilities. I started to doubt myself. But deep inside I knew I could do it. What gives then?

You know the age-old adage, ” If it’s not the right time,  no matter how much you wanted it to happen, it won’t”?

No matter how much I didn’t want to believe it, looking back now, I have to grudgingly admit that that was the case for me. I tried and tried and tried but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Until now.

Everything happens for a reason right? After being an aide for seven years, finally I knew I was ready. Not just ready to take the exams, but ready to be a therapist. But then, of course like most, if not all of the story of my life, I have to take a little detour. Again.

Life gives me lemons, I got to make lemonades LOL. 

I’m hoping all of this will be done before the end of summer. One thing is for sure, this whole journey to be a PT has taught me a lot. It has tested my willpower, definitely tested my patience and endurance. It taught me humility. Most of all, it taught me that a little faith goes a long way.

As for my quatrième plan,  I know it’ll happen.

All in due time.

xoxo

Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

________________________________

Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Linger

Typical Monday.  After a fun weekend, it’s back to the old grind. The only bright spot is that I’m only working three days this week plus it’s thanksgiving this Thursday, my favorite holiday of the year.

As typical as Mondays gets, I look at the calendar and the date stares back at  me — November 23.

Fuck.   As much as I don’t want to remember, it hits me.  A year ago was the first time we met.  And with my mind warping at full speed, I got sucked into a vortex full of memories…. from the awkwardness of that first date, to the easy banter thereafter…. the thrill of the first kiss… the tender unguarded moments…. to the pain and heartbreak of goodbyes.

Stop it. Stop thinking about it. 

 But I can’t. It’s wave after wave after wave.

Places. Things. People. It just brings back too many memories.

Damn.  Just like that, the pain I felt was just as horrible as it was months ago.  I thought it got numbed by time. I was at the point where finally, FINALLY I was moving on.

Then this. Great.

I have to yank myself back to reality. I have to shut my mind because just the thought of it is too much to bear. 

Right now I am hating myself.

Snap out of it! You remember how you were, how low you felt after all was said and done? Do you really want to go back to all of that?

Honestly, for a moment, I almost succumbed. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing it is that I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that there are rare moments when I think of him. Of us.

It’s not one of the great loves that books and poets write about.  But given the right circumstances, I think it has the potential to be one.  You know how they always talk about having the right love at the wrong time? Even Barry Manilow sang one about it. But is there such a thing as having a wrong love at the right time?

Or better yet, the wrong love at the wrong time?

So yeah, I’m ready for this day to be over.

And as typical as Mondays get, I hate Mondays. Always have. Always will.

Tuesday’s another day.

xoxo

Hush

In lieu of some events and the consequences that ensued after that, it got me thinking… am I really that transparent?  There are a lot of things I want to say but I’m having trouble finding the right words to even express what I’m feeling. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, talking about emotions… I lost my train of thought there for a moment. 

Distractions. Just what I needed. Sometimes I need it to be able to think clearly. To put things in perspective.

Me. What about?

After some alone time and a lot of thinking, it made me realize that I am wearing my heart out on my sleeve a wee bit too much than what I wanted. So much so that it  made me vulnerable.  So much so that I lost myself in the process.

Does that mean I should just shut everything out? 

But where does that leave me?

Bitter, cynical?

I don’t want to wake up one morning and I find myself to be just that.

I can’t bottle it inside, so pardonnez- moi if  all I write about are my lamentations. And how unfair the universe can be.

And the eternal quest to meet the ONE.

My friends have given me a hard time about my dramas of late and I know they mean well but……

See the thing is, they’re all married.  They have all met the ONE.

Again, where does that leave me?

I’m a single girl amid a sea of  married people. Or couples.

Is it wrong to wish myself that same kind of happily ever after?

I’m not wishing to have a knight in shining armor sweeping me off of my feet…  the hopeless romantic in me refuses to believe so otherwise.

I just want someone to give me the butterflies…….

Someone who makes me weak at the knees……….

I just want someone, dammit! 

Maybe the universe is listening…..

Or maybe I should just shush.

xoxo

Buts

I took my chances, but I lost.

I thought maybe… just maybe… but it remained just a maybe.

I wished he was  “the ONE”,  but it wasn’t meant to be.

I tried fixing it, but it’s hard when it’s already broken in the first place.

I thought that him and I were in the same place, but I was left standing on my own.

I hoped that we could somewhat still be friends, but I was a fool to believe so.

I was hurting and broken but I’m all glued back together now.

And I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what he broke. I know I’m better off.

Tequila, anyone?

 

xoxo

Defining Moments

I thought I’d post one of my old entries from my old blog…..

___________________________

Here I am on a Friday night — again. Yep. I’m home on a date night… date weekend for that matter. But I don’t mind. It’s been a rollercoaster of sorts for me these past few weeks that some peace and quiet’s just what I exactly needed. Just me, myself and I.

I know I’ve been oozing drama lately and I know I’ve been a drag but hey, in my defense, everybody has off days sometimes — except mine has been daaaaaaaaays LOL. Plus, you exactly know that I can be a drama queen hands down so stop complaining :p

If you have noticed, I haven’t used “guess” or “maybe” so far. I mean most of the time I start with ” I guess……” or ” Maybe……” It took a friend of mine to make me see that I have to let people know what I think. Huh? Let me make it clearer — the last time we talked I asked him what’s the most annoying thing about me and he said that sometimes I don’t have an opinion on things… that or I just go along with whatever he says. Une: it’s not that I don’t have one, I do. I’m just afraid to say it for the fear of looking stupid, or worse, rejected. Just in case you missed it, yeah, I do have issues. Hell, who doesn’t? Deux: Because of that dumb voice in my head, I aim to please a little too much that I become too agreeable. And I thought I was just being nice and politically correct most of the time LOL……

You know how there are moments that define our lives? Sometimes it’s so fleeting, you hardly notice it and sometimes it’s so profound that no matter how hard you ignore it, it just won’t go away. It took me a breakup and a badly needed wakeup call to finally realize that you can’t depend and hope on other people for your happiness. I know I’m a novice when it comes to relationships and I know I still have a lot to learn. I just wished that I didn’t have to go through all this pain and turmoil before it all sank in. But hey, that’s how we learn isn’t it?

Thinking about it, it humanized me in a way. Not that I think that I’m perfect or anything like that at all but it made me see myself in a different perspective. I know now that everything’s gonna be alright. That yeah, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. It’s gonna take some time for me though, I have to learn to love myself first and be happy for what and who I am before I dive into the dating pool again. Plus, I admit, I loved him….

So, as to the eternal question — if you’ve loved and lost, will you ever find happiness again? My answer is a definite yes…. in time, yes.

As for me, I am a work in progress.

Mailah version 2.0… pretty soon version 2.1

xoxo

Done

After being in an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks, I am done

…. crying. I can only shed too much tears.

…. hoping that we could still somewhat be friends. Who am I kidding?

…. believing that I am not good enough. Dammit, I am!

…. having regrets on how it turned out and that somehow there’s something I could’ve done to save the relationship.

…. being too hard on myself, because like he said, ” It’s me, not you… ” How did I ever fall for that????

…. trying to fix things that weren’t fixable in the first place.

…. asking the magic 8 ball questions I know the answers to anyway.

…. carpe diem’ing. Sometimes you do have to hold out, even for just a bit.

And yeah, the most important thing?

I’m done being stupid.