Hiatus

I’ve been a very bad blogger.

I know it has been months since I last updated this blog. Least to say, I’ve been on a hiatus. Hell who am I kidding, this last few months have been uneventful — well lovelife-wise. Sure, I’ve been on dates here and there but that’s just the thing, they were just dates. Hit or miss, hit and miss most of the times. I guess what I’m trying to say is that not one was worth writing about. Damn, am I being too picky?????? Ah, the perils of getting old AND being single.

I’ve had the opportunity lately of being reconnected with old friends and high school classmates and it felt like nothing has changed. Aside from the fact that most of us have families of their own, careers that are flourishing, deep inside we are still those giddy, silly, one-of-a-kind, talented, complicated, competitive teenagers of our high school alma mater, our dear Saint Columban. I have to say those were the greatest years of my life. Well, kinda haha.

And since with all the reminiscing, one can’t avoid THE question(s). Are you married? Dating? Kids? Basically my answers are monosyllables — no, yes and no. I know I’m 30 and as typical with most Asian families, one is expected to finish school by your early 20′s, get married by your mid-20′s and basically be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen by your 30′s. Me being 30 and *gasp!* single at the same time has violated all of it — well, the latter part, that is. What can I say, I was a late bloomer plus the fact that I’m just beginning to enjoy the fruits of my career. It took me 10 years to finally conquer the mountain that was the NPTE. A long time, yes, but it’s all worth it. All of it.

So yeah, right now, I’m loving where I’m at. Dates here and there. Meeting new people. Happy hour with friends. A career that I can honestly say that I love. Not having a lot of expectations but kinda hoping nonetheless. One still has to hope, right?

xoxo

Boxers and Tippy Toes

snippets of a conversation….

Her: Thanks…  hey, I’m just gonna take a quick shower. I’ll be right back.

Him: Okay. You’ll be smelling nice *smiles*

30 minutes later….

Her: Okay  I’m back — already brushed my teeth and in my pj’s as well.

Him: Awww that’s cute. What kind of pj’s?

Her: Flannel kinda sorta lol…

Him: *smiles* I just wear shorts. Or just boxers.

Her: Aah, a boxers kind of guy!

Him: Yeah. Do you like that?

Her: *grins* Does that answer your question?

Him: It does. You get on your tippy toes and I will wear boxers.

Her: That’s a sight to see lol…

Him: It is… kinda cute I think.  An awww moment.

Her: I couldn’t have said it better.

Him: I’m a sucker for those things *smiles*

Her: You really seem to be a romantic guy… I’m a hopeless one.

Him: I guess I am. I love those cute moments. I’m a big softie.

Her: I like that.

xoxo

Tippy Toes

Him: Haha yeah.  How tall are you again? You don’t mind a guy who is 6’1” do                   you?

Her: I’m 5’2” with an added half an inch on most mornings lol.. and no I don’t                    mind you being a lot taller than me.

Him: I don’t. I like that height.

Her: Cool. I’m glad we’re on the same page.

Him: Just have to lean down for hugs and kisses but that’s ok.  Just a sacrifice                    that has to be made.

Her: Awww… that or I could either stand on my tippy toes or wear high heels.

Him: True.  That’s cute.  Made me smile.

Her: I believe in compromise. That and an open communication. I’m the type                  of person who says what I mean and means what I say.

Him: That’s a good compromise.  I think if that does happen (you on your                            tippy toes) I will probably think back to this conversation and smile.

Her: You’re making me blush  … that’s so sweet.

Him: I blushed when you said the tippy toes and heels thing.

Her: Well I have to make up for some of the height difference, right? But I think                it’s actually romantic heehee….

Him: I do, too.  Are you affectionate?

Her: With the right person, yes. I like holding hands and long hugs and tender                    kisses.

Him: That sounds perfect.  I feel the same way.

xoxo

Unfinished

Tuesday. 8:30 p.m….

I was in the car, waiting for him to arrive. As soon as he pulled over, I checked myself out one more time in the mirror then stepped out. The sun was about to set, painting the sky with a myriad of colors. My heart was thumping in my chest — second  date jitters?  It seemed for a moment I was unsure…

He grabbed a shirt from the backseat of his car and pulled it over his head with a finesse of a well-oiled machine. With those finely-tuned muscles almost rendering me speechless,  I walked over to where he was and he flashed that heart-stopping smile that I am now being accustomed to.  As we waited outside to be seated, we exchanged the usual pleasantries, still flashing me that megawatt smile from time to time.  And I was thinking, I could get used to that ……….

In the midst of a crowded sushi restaurant, with basically almost no wiggling room, I found myself being drawn to him. It’s not just that pretty face, nor those twinkle in his eyes, nor the clothes that fit him so well he could’ve just stepped out from the pages of  GQ.  It’s his wit, his level of maturity that won me over more than anything else.  And the more we talked, the more I found myself liking him. Beginnings of flutters, I wonder? And I didn’t even have sake!

Teasing.  Laughter.  Witty banters.  What’s a girl not to like?  It’s been a while since I’ve met somebody who can be at par with me and at the same time pique my curiosity.  Plus that damn marquee-lights-up-in-Broadway killer smile. Where’s the dim button when I needed it???

Alas, dinner went by and we were among the few ones left as the restaurant closed.  As we walked out, he asked if I wanted to walk or even drive around.  I got into his car and we drove aimlessly for a while, playing name that tune on his radio.  I can feel the breeze flowing through my hair, feeling carefree and reckless at the same time.

We finally found a secluded spot and he turned the ignition off,  but leaving the music on,  filling the comfortable silence between us.  Moonlight flooded the interior of the car as he slid the moon roof open, adding to the chiseled silhouette of his face.

30 Things I Learned at 30

30.  People will always disappoint you.

29.  Good friends will stand by you, no matter what, no questions asked.

28.  I like my men clean cut, tall and funny. Especially funny.

27.  I’m a sucker for sappy love stories.

26.  Carpe diem!

25.  You still have to mind your p’s and q’s, dot your i’s and cross your t’s.

24.  There’s a time for everything. Having said that, there’s a reason for everything too.

23.  That I can put up with so much crap.

22. Wanting and needing are two very different things. I learned it the hard way.

21.  I’ll always be a little kid at heart.

20.  How to perfect a mean chicken macaroni salad.

19.  Little things do matter.

18.  That I am going to be a good therapist.  

17.  I could really be a smart-ass.

16.  That you could really be flexible in certain positions … ahem *wink**wink*

15.  How to fall from a 20 foot ravine and still keep your composure.

14.  Knowing when to hold on, hold back and let go.

13.  Saying yes when you really mean yes.

12.  That it’s not unprofessional to take your birthday off! It’s my day, I have the right to spend it however I want it!

11.  Mothers are well, will always be mothers. No matter how grown up you become, mothers will always see you as their babies.

10.  A little luck, lots of hard work and prayer go a long way.

9.   Friday nights are what your girls are for.

8.   That you can go from a size 18-20 to a size 10. If interested, inquire within.

7.   People watching is so much fun!

6.   Family trumps everything. And I mean everything.

5.   That sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we still hope…..

4.   I can really be stubborn and anal for my own damn good.

3.   Being 30 is not the end of the world. Feels like it, but it’s really not.

2.   You’re never too young or too old to go on adventures.

1.   I’m ready to fall inlove all over again.   

So as I turn 30 today, I’m grateful for all that I have — the roof over my head, the food on my table, the clothes on my back and the people in my life that matters the most.

Here’s hoping for another great year ahead!

xoxo

Laundry List (Part Deux)

In accordance to an earlier post………

Things I needed to do and hopefully accomplish before or by the time I turn 30:

 1.   Be a full fledged physical therapist —   I’ve got two months left!

2.   Lose another 20 – 25 lbs — having a weight loss challenge with friends

3.   Pay off my car. I only have a few months left on it  :)  — one more month!!!!!

4.   Read Dan Brown’s new novel,  “The Lost Symbol”  — I don’t have enough downtime .. what between Facebook, Tumblr and my blog, I need more  ”me”  time

5.   Have my car detailed. I haven’t done it since I bought it LOL… car washes — yep, detailing — to follow —  well I’ve got no excuse — I’ve just been lazy

6.   Buy a new laptop —  my old one has so much sentimental value

7.   Go to Disneyland  (yey!)  — right after I’m done with internship

8.   Learn how to ski  (or even snowboard — again) — on my list next season

9.   Go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!  — sometime this year

10.  Expand my social circle.

11.  Throw away all my junk.

12.  Run more often (that would require a LOT of work LOL).  hmmmm……….. yeah LOL

13.  Speak up.

14.  Go on vacay —   already in the books for next year … wait, do mini-vacays count??????

15.  Take more pictures.

16.  Reconnect with old friends.

17.  Do I dare say fall in love again????  — was just about to but things got a little bit complicated so I’m still holding off  on that thought…..

xoxo

Running on Empty

The café was packed.

She arrived a few minutes ahead of time and found a secluded spot in the far corner. There was a cool breeze and for a moment, she regretted not bringing her coat along. As she scanned the sea of people, she wondered whether she is ready. There’s nothing like the excitement of meeting someone new, although this time, she knew better. Just meet and greet. That’s it.

Five minutes had passed by and she spotted him, standing by the door. Not sure how to proceed, she stood up and gathered all the courage she had, painted a smile on her face and finally walked up to him and introduced herself. He gave her a warm smile and asked her if she had any difficulty finding the place. He led her inside, which thankfully is warm, and thoughtfully inquired whether she is a coffee drinker. She said not really but does have a cup every now and then. She looked up the menu and asked him what he recommends. Funny thing is that they were both thinking of ordering the same thing — blended white chocolate hazelnut. Hmmm…. like minds think alike? As they waited for their drinks, she was suprised at how easy the flow of conversation was. From the basics to more insightful stuff.  Easy banter back and forth. Plus those eyes. They never wavered. But they didn’t unnerve her either. Those baby blue eyes held her gaze as they talk  just about everything and anything. Like nothing else mattered. Like no one else mattered. Only her. Or maybe she’s only a sucker for baby blues……

So as they were finishing their drinks, he asked her whether she has walked around the campus at Stanford. She was caught off guard because just a few days ago she was telling her cousins that they should go to Stanford one of these days because she has never been. She was a little freaked out by his question.  Coincidence? Or is the Universe finally telling her something?  She gathered her composure and told him no, and he graciously offered to accompany her. It didn’t take her a heartbeat to say Yes! After all if indeed the Universe is conconcting some plan, who is she to go against it? Who is she to contradict what the stars have aligned for her? In the back of her head was a little voice, taunting, ” I thought you didn’t believe in destiny? Ha! “   Well, fate, schmate — she is taking this chance.

They walked to his car and like the gentleman that he is, opened the door for her.  They cruised along El Camino and made the turn somewhere to Stanford. She couldn’t help but notice that he was running on empty. Like the needle was on red. And like the I-don’t-let-my-tank-go-past-half  kind of girl that she is, it started to make her squeamish. It took all her self-control not to tell him that his tank is empty but thankfully they finally arrived at the parking lot.  As she stepped out of the car, her eyes widened. The view took her breath away. Eventhough it was dark, the stars were out, even the moon. They started walking towards the church, with a beautiful mural painted on the outside and that beautiful stained glass window in the midst of it all. The silence between them never felt uncomfortable. In a way, it felt natural. That they didn’t need words to fill in the stillness of the night.  They stopped by a parked bench and talked about the little things that seem unimportant, but in more ways than one, it actually is.  As time seemed to stand still, the doubt in her mind began to fade away.  She knew she is finally ready. 

They finally stood up and walked back to the car, retracing their steps, learning more about the other.  And as they drove back, him running on empty didn’t bother her one bit.  As first dates go, this is definitely one of the most unconventional but most romantic. Coffee, a great guy, a moonlit walk, great conversation — what more could a girl ask for? And if ever the car did stall in the middle of University Avenue?  She wouldn’t have mind pushing.

xoxo

Turning Thirty

I’ll be 30 in about six weeks.

Just saying that makes me feel, um, I don’t know — old. I know, I know, age is nothing but a number but this is different. This is the big three-o, the end of an era kind of thing.

Suddenly I felt like Joey from Friends, making a deal with God to be 29 forever. If only it was that simple.

It’s not that I’m dreading it. It’s not the end of the world for crying out loud — well, that’s what my 30-something friends say anyway.  I still have at least a month and a half to enjoy the last days of my twenties…. just in case the world does end.

Before, thirty is so far away! It’s so far away that it’s a dot. Now the dot has become a splatter. Pretty soon, it’ll be that dark cloud looming over my head, taunting me. Mocking me even.

So as I approach the last days of the last two-decades-and-then-some of my life,  I find myself  looking at the mirror, staring at what it seems like the same yet different girl.

Jaded. Cynical. But still funny as hell and passionate and loyal to a fault.

I may be wiser and a tad more mature but I still find fulfillment in simple things. A simple life. Simple wants and needs.  Although life is already complicated as it is.

So turning thirty, eh?  It doesn’t feel that significant anymore — unless you’re going to buy some booze and you’re wanting to be carded. Like when you’re at the check out counter and the cashier looks at you and just proceeded to ring up all the alcohol one could fathomly consume in what’s supposed-to-be-the-end-of-an-era-night-kind-of-thing and not even ask for an ID and you giving him the death stare with your eyes in slits thinking, “I am not that old!!!”

Thirty. Treinta.  Dertig.  Trente.  Dreißig.  Trinta.  тридцать.  kolmekymmentä.  Tatlumpo.

Many ways to say thirty… but the thing is, it’s just that. A number. No more, no less.  What matters most is what you’ve become at thirty.

So, should I still make a fuss about leaving my twenties and entering the next decade of my life?  Well, I don’t really have a choice, do I?

xoxo

Quarter After One

12:19 a.m.

12:21 a.m.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

As seconds turn into minutes, and as minutes slowly crawl to an hour, I can’t help but feel like everything is at a standstill.  For one moment I could freeze time, close my eyes and know that when I open it once again that I am still where I stood last.

A lot of things has happened in a year. Big things, small things.  A far cry from where I was. A far cry from who I am right now. 

I am not the same person anymore. What was it that they said? That people change for two reasons — either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough to have to.

I am both.

It’s also a testament on how much I’ve grown up. It felt like the things that I’ve missed out on in the first 28 years of my life were crammed into a year. 

Love. Newfound friends. Old friends. Heartaches. Heartbreaks. Career.

On one hand it felt like I was forced to grow up. On the other hand, I think I wouldn’t have done it any different.

I have been told that I am too stubborn for my own good. But then, I have always marched to the beat of my own drum.

Non-conformist, I would say.

Like I know that at my age, society expects me to be married, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen but the thing is, I’m not like everybody else.  When they say turn right, I turn left.  When they say go forward, I take an extra step or two back. 

So yeah at 29, strange as it may seem, but I am biding my time. Taking it slow this time. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Isn’t that reason enough?

1:15 a.m.

xoxo

Between Order and Randomness

Dear Past Boyfriend,

First of all, I’m not wanting to get back together.  Three of the six months of our so-called relationship of pure uncertainty has been enough. I have moved on and I am over you and yes, I’m doing really well, thanks for asking.

You’re probably wondering why after all this time, here I am, writing you a letter. It has been what, nine…ten months?  So much has happened between now and then that the days have started to blur, and memories have faded into gray, along with the aches and pains of heartbreak. The thing is, I was cleaning my room the other day and I stumbled upon the ex-  box — you know, the box where you put all the things that remind you of that person after breaking up — and it just so happened that I opened yours.

At first I didn’t know what to make of it.  Should I keep it or throw it away? One part of me wants to throw it away, just so to be done with it. I mean, why torture myself with memories that remind me of yet another failure? But a bigger part of me wants to keep it, because as glutton for punishments as I am, I realized that you’ll always be a part of me. A part of my life. No matter how fleeting it was. And nothing I do will ever change that.

So yeah, therein that box lay the valentine’s card with the teddy bear, the shot glass, the woven bracelet you got me when you went to Hawaii, the kissing balm that you thought was too girly for you, a couple of movie stubs, the trail map of Saratoga Gap, the necklace you gave me for my birthday and pictures of happier times.

I wasn’t expecting that such simple keepsakes could still evoke powerful emotions within me. I had that sudden pang of longing, a bit of regret and a dull ache that reminds me that even though I have healed nicely, there’s still that scar. Somehow a proof that yes, I have once loved and lost.

Closure.

I guess that’s what this is all about. I’ve come to that point where I can finally give myself closure.  It’s funny how opening Pandora’s box could actually give me what I’ve been trying to do for months. I tried to remember how it was, what we had and how we were but all that I was able to conjure were faded memories. All that remained were silhouettes in the dark. I actually have to look long and hard at the pictures, but somehow still I was left wondering about those special moments. You see, I’m at that point where I could think back and think of you with a smile rather than breaking down into pieces.

I’ve been asked what have I learned? Or did I learn anything for that matter? Because you see if I haven’t, or didn’t, then those are six months of my life I’ll never get back.  And actually, I did.  A lot, in fact.  I’ve realized that my wants and needs are different. That my wants are different from my needs. That I need someone who can be my rock — someone I can lean on either through the good or the bad. I need someone who won’t give up on me, despite my quirks and flaws, who won’t be running to the hills at the first sign of trouble.  I need someone who knows what they want in life, because I do. And I need someone who says exactly what’s on their mind — I’m good at crossword puzzles, but not so much on people puzzles.  Sadly, past boyfriend, you were hit and/or miss. I don’t deny though that there was a time in my life where YOU  were exactly what I needed and wanted.

So if by chance,  you are reading this, I really hope you are happy.  Everybody deserves it, even though you told me once you don’t think you’re capable of loving again. Remember when we were just starting to date, when you told me that you don’t have a lot of friends and I said that I could be your friend? I still mean it. That still holds true.

Closure.

As I move on to the next chapter of my storied life, what I’m really trying to say is that no matter where you are, and whether you stumble upon this or not,  I wish you all the success, happiness and love one could possibly wish for. And I hope you do find what you’re looking for.

As for me, all you need to know is that I’m happy.

- Mai

P.S.  oh btw, you’re not a Scorpio, you’re actually a Sagittarius — just wanted to point that out.