Running To Stand Still

I’m a fraud.

After a  quasi-brief, chance encounter tonight, I drove away feeling that I don’t even know myself anymore.  Or what I want either.

I felt unnerved.

In the briefest of an instant, I saw my life unravel before me.  A slideshow of 8mm pictures flashing right before my eyes, each one playing with a background music of  its own.

What do I really want? I mean really, really, REALLY want?

I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out I don’t.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Am I that jaded?

Behind that façade of  certainty,  it turns out that that’s just what it is.  A façade. A front.

I’m scared as hell as the next person.

And it feels like these past few weeks, I’ve been chasing something — hoping to catch it. Running after it as if my life depended on it.  But running after what? I’m not even making sense anymore.

I guess deep inside I’m still that naive little girl. Or that blindly stupid 28 year old woman a year ago.

To borrow a quote,  “We keep looking and looking and looking….”

I need to stop running. For once. For once I gotta stop and just be still. 

Maybe this time, it’ll find me. 

xoxo

Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

________________________________

Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Reasons

Here I am on a chilly Saturday evening. The weather has certainly changed and I can already smell and feel the crisp autumn air.  As the seasons changed, I have finally started to move on.

Has it almost been three months?  Time surely flies by so fast that it seemed like everything now is a blur. I guess I’m healing nicely. I don’t cringe or wince anymore just thinking how it all went down the drain.  Like what  Hope has written, all that’s left is the sweet,  sweet sadness of almost.  How I almost got him. How he almost got me. Wait, he did get me. How we almost got it right. Almost, but not quite. Close, but no cigar.

We stood by the edge of the precipice, held hands even, stared down into the unknown…. but unlike Hope, instead of closing our eyes and taking that giant leap together, he let go of my hand as I jumped. I saw him at the edge, watching me fall into that giant abyss of  nothingness.

Maybe walking away is the safest thing to do. We’re better off, right?  We’re better off walking away knowing that in the end, it’ll never work out. Better now than later, when we’re both thick in the middle of it. 

Was it then naught for nothing?

Not everything has fallen by the wayside. There were plenty of reasons why we should’ve stayed together. But sadly, there were a lot more reasons why we said goodbye instead. It’s hard to fight for something when it was doomed to fail even in the beginning.  Carpe diem, right?  That’s the thing with expectations, it’s just a setup for disappointments.  

We both still need a lot of growing up to do.  They were right — fools rush in. And like the fool that I was,  I was even willing to sacrifice all that I am.  I fell for him for the wrong reasons and I tried desperately to make things work out for all the wrong reasons.  Even when in the end, all that was left in me were doubts.

He told me that I deserve to be with somebody who really wanted to be with me. Problem was, I wanted it to be HIM.

I think that that was the most cruel and most selfish thing one could ever probably say. And how ” plus one”  is the loneliest number.   What an utter, total rejection.  Oh, aside from the classic, ” It’s me, not you” when what it really meant was it was really you.  Was I that  jaded??????

Like I said, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I still have a lot of figuring out to do. But one thing is for certain, I’ve come to realize that  I am better off.  That indeed, it’s him and not me.  That I don’t need a relationship to define who or what I am anymore. 

And if he wanted me back? Ask me that same question a couple months ago and I would’ve said, “Yes!” a million times over. But now? Honestly? I don’t know. Would I really subject myself through all of that all over again? The not knowing where I stand, the uncertainty? What I  do know is that unless and until we both sort out our own personal issues, we can never be. Not unless we both learn to trust. No assumptions. I’ve accepted that.

And if someday our paths cross again? Who knows, we might even exchange a hello or two.

In a way, having your heart broken is having a myocardial infarction. It can be life threatening, depending where the infarct and how extensive the damage is.  And what you need is time. Time to heal. So after almost three months status post, I am finally there. Almost.  Not quite, but getting there.

xoxo