Running To Stand Still

I’m a fraud.

After a  quasi-brief, chance encounter tonight, I drove away feeling that I don’t even know myself anymore.  Or what I want either.

I felt unnerved.

In the briefest of an instant, I saw my life unravel before me.  A slideshow of 8mm pictures flashing right before my eyes, each one playing with a background music of  its own.

What do I really want? I mean really, really, REALLY want?

I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out I don’t.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Am I that jaded?

Behind that façade of  certainty,  it turns out that that’s just what it is.  A façade. A front.

I’m scared as hell as the next person.

And it feels like these past few weeks, I’ve been chasing something — hoping to catch it. Running after it as if my life depended on it.  But running after what? I’m not even making sense anymore.

I guess deep inside I’m still that naive little girl. Or that blindly stupid 28 year old woman a year ago.

To borrow a quote,  “We keep looking and looking and looking….”

I need to stop running. For once. For once I gotta stop and just be still. 

Maybe this time, it’ll find me. 

xoxo

Unspoken

Soft whispers, almost heard but never spoken…………

How do you really feel about me?  Because if you feel nothing at all, then please, please don’t make me fall for you more than I already have.

I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I care too much, you get a free pass to break my heart.

I’ve never asked what you saw….

Will I ever be enough?

Will you please just once, tell me what you’re thinking?

What are your dreams? How do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

We’ve been together for quite a while but it still seems that I don’t know a lot about you.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you anymore.

I wish that you would just let me in. Because you know what? No matter how hard I tried, you always shut me out. Whenever I come close, you pull away. And that gets tiring after a while. 

I’m not her.

I know I said I love you. I know I said I thought I loved you. Truth? I LOVED YOU.

 

When It Isn’t Like It Should Be

Thursday.

My used-to-be favorite day of the week.  But like all things, my love affair with Thursdays has ended. And like a thief in the night,  I had no idea how it happened. It just did.

But that doesn’t mean I hate Mondays less. 

So yesterday, Thursday of all days, I woke up to the loud screaming of my phone. Grudgingly, I rolled over and blindingly reached for it, thinking that it can’t be 7 am yet… another few minutes… please, please let it be.  I was ready to hit the snooze button one  more time but something tells me this was different.

It was M, my good friend from way back in college.  I was kinda waiting to hear from her, hoping that this call brings good news. As soon as I answered, I asked, “So did you pass?”

Dead silence.

In actuality, it was just probably a second but it felt like an eternity. And even before she uttered those words I was hoping not to hear, I knew. 

Dead silence. Again.

After that, tears flowed. Frustrations were let out. Fears and helplessness, hopelessness surfaced.

All I could offer her were words of comfort and knowing that I am here, listening with no prejudice whatsoever.  I knew exactly what she’s going through. I knew what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking. Because you see, I’ve been through that, too. Not just once. Not twice. I’ve been through it countless times that I wanted to lose count.

I used to think that I got it all planned out :

Un:  Move here to California.

Deux:  Find a job.

Trois:  Take and pass the NPTE.

Quatre:  Find the ONE, fall inlove and have my happily ever after.

My plans got derailed at trois.

First time I took the exams  and failed, it was kinda okay. I knew I didn’t study. I had an excuse. The second time stung a little bit more since I thought I prepared well.  After the nth time, I was so sure that I was so stupid, failing again and again. Doubts and insecurities came rushing to the surface.

Questions lingered in my mind. I doubted my capabilities. I started to doubt myself. But deep inside I knew I could do it. What gives then?

You know the age-old adage, ” If it’s not the right time,  no matter how much you wanted it to happen, it won’t”?

No matter how much I didn’t want to believe it, looking back now, I have to grudgingly admit that that was the case for me. I tried and tried and tried but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Until now.

Everything happens for a reason right? After being an aide for seven years, finally I knew I was ready. Not just ready to take the exams, but ready to be a therapist. But then, of course like most, if not all of the story of my life, I have to take a little detour. Again.

Life gives me lemons, I got to make lemonades LOL. 

I’m hoping all of this will be done before the end of summer. One thing is for sure, this whole journey to be a PT has taught me a lot. It has tested my willpower, definitely tested my patience and endurance. It taught me humility. Most of all, it taught me that a little faith goes a long way.

As for my quatrième plan,  I know it’ll happen.

All in due time.

xoxo

Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

________________________________

Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

What a Difference a Day Makes

Eleven months ago,  a girl met this guy.  They went for coffee and spent time getting to know each other.  She thought at first that he didn’t really like her because at the end of the date, he didn’t even walk her to her car. Turned out that he was nervous and thought that she didn’t really like him, too. 

She sent him a thank you email and with that, he asked her out again.  And the second date was followed by a third, a fourth, a fifth,  and like they say, the rest is history.

Fast forward to six months later, everything blew up in her face.  Broken and rejected, she tried to pick up the pieces of what’s left of her.  Obsessively dissecting what went wrong, what she could’ve done that would’ve made a difference…. shoulda, coulda, woulda. But you see the thing was,  there was no fixing it. Not when the other has already decided that it wasn’t working for him. Not when he has already made up his mind. Not when he has already given up.  How can you fight against that?

A friend of hers once asked, ” Do you think he’s the ONE? “  and for a moment she was rendered speechless because she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know! How could that be???  Weren’t you supposed to know especially if you’ve been spending time together? Whatever happened to soulmates and that sort of stuff?  That should’ve been her first clue… but blinded as she was, she pushed that doubt in the back of her mind.

Fast forward to present-day…. after all the dramas and after some of her friends threatened to disown her (they can only take too much LOL )…. she thinks she’s finally getting over him.  Getting over — and not just getting by. They were right, just when you thought you’ll never get over that one person, the one with all the almosts… you do — a couple of  months and some powdered donuts  later LOL. Not that she had donuts….

To borrow a quote, ” I remember the boy, but I don’t remember the feelings anymore.”

xoxo

Ifs

If only had I known…. would’ve I taken that leap of faith?

If  only had I trusted my gut, I wouldn’t have fallen that deep.

If  only had I caught that look in your eyes… that look that said it all, then I could’ve spared myself a world of hurt.

If only had I listened… but that’s the trouble with love,  it can make your heart believe a lie. 

If only I had been less blind…

If  only I could’ve spoken my mind… would’ve it made a difference?

Ifs…..

Bottom line is that, it doesn’t really matter now does it?

But what if….

What if I never met you?

 

xoxo

Incomplete

Dear Diary…………

 

I haven’t written those words in eight years. Eight long years. Not that I’ve forgotten it. I guess I just… grew up. And in the process I left it behind. Gone were the times when I felt so desolate that I would lock myself up in my room and write to my heart’s content — pouring all my dreams, my triumphs… even my heartbreaks.

 

With the advent of technology, it got replaced by my blog(s). But you know what? It doesn’t feel the same… there’s nothing like putting pen into paper and just letting go. No inhibitions. No ground rules.

 

Yet here I am…..

 

Right now I kinda have the difficulty of finding the right words. Before, all I have to do was begin with “Dear Diary” and the words would just flow. Although I have to admit that most of the stuff that I wrote were about my insecurities, angst and dramedies. Come to think of it, I wrote when I was at my lowest of lows, saddest of sad….. I never wrote well when I was at my utmost happiest. I guess dramas and tragedies were my muse.

 

And it hasn’t changed much since.

 

I thought I was finally happy for the first time in my life. But of course, it can never be. Yeah, I may be smiling and goofy and stuff, but you have to understand that that took years of practice. How come when I thought and hoped, even prayed, that maybe, just maybe …. I’m bound for disappointment? I’m not asking for too much.

 

I thought I’ve finally understood my demons…. conquered them even. But I guess it’s the truth when they say that you can never outrun your past. Not that I ever did. Now I’m not even sure that I faced them either. Truth is, I feel like I’m lost….

 

I’m having my doubts again. I knew in the back of mind that I guess I can never have everything. Everything has a price. That’s why for the longest time ever, I was truly afraid to be completely happy. Because I know sooner or later, I’ll end up losing it all. And lose indeed.

 

I mean, what’s wrong with me? What’s so utterly wrong? Am I that unlovable? There’s REJECT tattooed all over my forehead. Yeah I know you’d say that I’m crazy for thinking those thoughts but I never said I was normal either. Another thing to blame on my parents LOL….

 

I should’ve known better than be vulnerable. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. How can I be sooooo stupid? Haven’t I mastered the art of running towards the nearest exit as soon as somebody gets too close for comfort? I thought I could finally begin to trust….

 

And look where it landed me.

 

I’m getting quite tired of the cycle. You trust. You love. You lose. Unrequited love is such a bitch. It hurts, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I wonder will I ever have that one person whom I can bare my innermost self into? I hate it that I’m sounding like Ally McBeal but what can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic. Always was. Always is.

 

I guess happiness is all relative. Maybe I am happy and I just don’t know it. Or maybe it’s just that I am looking for it in the wrong places that it’s right there, in front of me. Maybe…..

 

One could only hope, right?