Dumbfounded

Here’s a blast from the past…

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Here I am again…

I thought I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and yet….

I had questions I thought I knew the answers to. I even thought, “How can I not be sure?”

How could I ever doubt?

I saw it, felt it… I was sure.

Was I?

For a fleeting moment, I thought I’m seeing clearly for the first time.

Now I feel blindingly stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to question my sanity.

Expectations, schmectations.

I know I should just take whatever comes my way but I know I deserve better than that. Better than this.

Damn. I just hate it when I get soooooooooo worked up.

Will the uncertainty ever go away?

Like I said before again, how can one simple, trivial thing be sooo damn difficult?

I need a manual for these kind of things. Except for this particular thing, there isn’t one.

I think the bottom line is, I am afraid.

I am scared that I might screw this up.

I should’ve known better.

So, the question now is, should I or should I not?

It’s gonna hurt either way.

Either rip the band-aid now or wait for a  coronary.

Thinking about it, I don’t like my chances. Slim to none, I’d say.

I’m confused and I hate this feeling of not knowing — not knowing what’s on the other end.

I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I have made myself too vulnerable and I am already kicking my own ass for it.

I guess I had it coming…

The irony of all this is that I’ve already fallen when I should’ve just stumbled.

But how could I not?

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what my next move is. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. This time, I’m on the receiving end and I don’t know what to expect. And that’s what scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. One could only hope.

Rejection is a risk I gotta take. But looking back on my track record, I am good at that — do I even dare say that rejection is my middle name?

I am just venting my frustrations….

Who knows, tomorrow will be a complete turnaround. A walkabout.

Knowing me though, I wouldn’t bet against it.

xoxo

Buts

I took my chances, but I lost.

I thought maybe… just maybe… but it remained just a maybe.

I wished he was  “the ONE”,  but it wasn’t meant to be.

I tried fixing it, but it’s hard when it’s already broken in the first place.

I thought that him and I were in the same place, but I was left standing on my own.

I hoped that we could somewhat still be friends, but I was a fool to believe so.

I was hurting and broken but I’m all glued back together now.

And I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what he broke. I know I’m better off.

Tequila, anyone?

 

xoxo