Aftermath

I think I’ve made a faux pas.

It was a second too late after I’ve pressed the send button. It’s a case of my fingers being faster than my brain. In this particular case, faster than my common sense. Ugh.

It’s just that it caught me off-guard when it happened that I was browsing through some obituaries. And I don’t know, of all the entries, it jumped out at me. It’s true what they say, it comes to you when you’re not looking.

It’s almost two years anyway (I think?). I’ve moved on and I’m happy where I’m at. Things change. People definitely change.

So yeah, I’m gonna stop stewing over this and get some sleep.

 

xoxo

30 Things I Learned at 30

30.  People will always disappoint you.

29.  Good friends will stand by you, no matter what, no questions asked.

28.  I like my men clean cut, tall and funny. Especially funny.

27.  I’m a sucker for sappy love stories.

26.  Carpe diem!

25.  You still have to mind your p’s and q’s, dot your i’s and cross your t’s.

24.  There’s a time for everything. Having said that, there’s a reason for everything too.

23.  That I can put up with so much crap.

22. Wanting and needing are two very different things. I learned it the hard way.

21.  I’ll always be a little kid at heart.

20.  How to perfect a mean chicken macaroni salad.

19.  Little things do matter.

18.  That I am going to be a good therapist.  

17.  I could really be a smart-ass.

16.  That you could really be flexible in certain positions … ahem *wink**wink*

15.  How to fall from a 20 foot ravine and still keep your composure.

14.  Knowing when to hold on, hold back and let go.

13.  Saying yes when you really mean yes.

12.  That it’s not unprofessional to take your birthday off! It’s my day, I have the right to spend it however I want it!

11.  Mothers are well, will always be mothers. No matter how grown up you become, mothers will always see you as their babies.

10.  A little luck, lots of hard work and prayer go a long way.

9.   Friday nights are what your girls are for.

8.   That you can go from a size 18-20 to a size 10. If interested, inquire within.

7.   People watching is so much fun!

6.   Family trumps everything. And I mean everything.

5.   That sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we still hope…..

4.   I can really be stubborn and anal for my own damn good.

3.   Being 30 is not the end of the world. Feels like it, but it’s really not.

2.   You’re never too young or too old to go on adventures.

1.   I’m ready to fall inlove all over again.   

So as I turn 30 today, I’m grateful for all that I have — the roof over my head, the food on my table, the clothes on my back and the people in my life that matters the most.

Here’s hoping for another great year ahead!

xoxo

Quarter After One

12:19 a.m.

12:21 a.m.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

As seconds turn into minutes, and as minutes slowly crawl to an hour, I can’t help but feel like everything is at a standstill.  For one moment I could freeze time, close my eyes and know that when I open it once again that I am still where I stood last.

A lot of things has happened in a year. Big things, small things.  A far cry from where I was. A far cry from who I am right now. 

I am not the same person anymore. What was it that they said? That people change for two reasons — either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough to have to.

I am both.

It’s also a testament on how much I’ve grown up. It felt like the things that I’ve missed out on in the first 28 years of my life were crammed into a year. 

Love. Newfound friends. Old friends. Heartaches. Heartbreaks. Career.

On one hand it felt like I was forced to grow up. On the other hand, I think I wouldn’t have done it any different.

I have been told that I am too stubborn for my own good. But then, I have always marched to the beat of my own drum.

Non-conformist, I would say.

Like I know that at my age, society expects me to be married, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen but the thing is, I’m not like everybody else.  When they say turn right, I turn left.  When they say go forward, I take an extra step or two back. 

So yeah at 29, strange as it may seem, but I am biding my time. Taking it slow this time. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Isn’t that reason enough?

1:15 a.m.

xoxo

Between Order and Randomness

Dear Past Boyfriend,

First of all, I’m not wanting to get back together.  Three of the six months of our so-called relationship of pure uncertainty has been enough. I have moved on and I am over you and yes, I’m doing really well, thanks for asking.

You’re probably wondering why after all this time, here I am, writing you a letter. It has been what, nine…ten months?  So much has happened between now and then that the days have started to blur, and memories have faded into gray, along with the aches and pains of heartbreak. The thing is, I was cleaning my room the other day and I stumbled upon the ex-  box — you know, the box where you put all the things that remind you of that person after breaking up — and it just so happened that I opened yours.

At first I didn’t know what to make of it.  Should I keep it or throw it away? One part of me wants to throw it away, just so to be done with it. I mean, why torture myself with memories that remind me of yet another failure? But a bigger part of me wants to keep it, because as glutton for punishments as I am, I realized that you’ll always be a part of me. A part of my life. No matter how fleeting it was. And nothing I do will ever change that.

So yeah, therein that box lay the valentine’s card with the teddy bear, the shot glass, the woven bracelet you got me when you went to Hawaii, the kissing balm that you thought was too girly for you, a couple of movie stubs, the trail map of Saratoga Gap, the necklace you gave me for my birthday and pictures of happier times.

I wasn’t expecting that such simple keepsakes could still evoke powerful emotions within me. I had that sudden pang of longing, a bit of regret and a dull ache that reminds me that even though I have healed nicely, there’s still that scar. Somehow a proof that yes, I have once loved and lost.

Closure.

I guess that’s what this is all about. I’ve come to that point where I can finally give myself closure.  It’s funny how opening Pandora’s box could actually give me what I’ve been trying to do for months. I tried to remember how it was, what we had and how we were but all that I was able to conjure were faded memories. All that remained were silhouettes in the dark. I actually have to look long and hard at the pictures, but somehow still I was left wondering about those special moments. You see, I’m at that point where I could think back and think of you with a smile rather than breaking down into pieces.

I’ve been asked what have I learned? Or did I learn anything for that matter? Because you see if I haven’t, or didn’t, then those are six months of my life I’ll never get back.  And actually, I did.  A lot, in fact.  I’ve realized that my wants and needs are different. That my wants are different from my needs. That I need someone who can be my rock — someone I can lean on either through the good or the bad. I need someone who won’t give up on me, despite my quirks and flaws, who won’t be running to the hills at the first sign of trouble.  I need someone who knows what they want in life, because I do. And I need someone who says exactly what’s on their mind — I’m good at crossword puzzles, but not so much on people puzzles.  Sadly, past boyfriend, you were hit and/or miss. I don’t deny though that there was a time in my life where YOU  were exactly what I needed and wanted.

So if by chance,  you are reading this, I really hope you are happy.  Everybody deserves it, even though you told me once you don’t think you’re capable of loving again. Remember when we were just starting to date, when you told me that you don’t have a lot of friends and I said that I could be your friend? I still mean it. That still holds true.

Closure.

As I move on to the next chapter of my storied life, what I’m really trying to say is that no matter where you are, and whether you stumble upon this or not,  I wish you all the success, happiness and love one could possibly wish for. And I hope you do find what you’re looking for.

As for me, all you need to know is that I’m happy.

- Mai

P.S.  oh btw, you’re not a Scorpio, you’re actually a Sagittarius — just wanted to point that out.

Crossroads

I’ve never been good with goodbyes. Actually,  I suck at it. The last time I had to, I ended up holding on more than I should’ve, believing all the empty words and false hopes, before reality slapped me in the face and left me reeling. The last time I had to, I ended up looking stupid and in the process lost my dignity, when in fact there’s nothing else left to do but to pick up the pieces that were left behind.

It’s such a simple word isn’t it? If only by saying it can make things that simple. If only by saying it can make things alright. Like magic. One snap of a finger and everything’s better and you don’t have to worry about tommorow and all the what ifs and the what nots. But I don’t have a magic wand. I don’t even have a fairy godmother nor even one of the seven dwarfs. I even have trouble pronouncing wingardium leviosa . Is it wingardium le-viosa or levi-osa? Where do you enunciate?

Can there be any sadder word?

But along with goodbye comes change. I don’t think one could exist without the other.  And since I suck at  farewells, it is safe to assume that I’m no fan of change either.  I have to have a constant in my life.  The irony in that is that nothing is more constant in this world  except change.  I don’t think I’ can just pack up and leave like some people can. But I am trying. To embrace change, I mean. I know better than argue that it is good for the soul, because it is.

With change also comes vulnerability.  Nothing makes you more human than that.  To be stripped down to your bare essentials. Who wants to bare their all anyway just to get battered and bruised in the end? Who wants to be seen on their most desperate and weakest moments?  The whole paradox of it all is that you are only strongest at your weakest.

So  as winter fades into spring, as the leaves start to blossom and as the last remnants of cold slithers away into the warm sunshine , a new beginning waits for me.  Another chapter to be written. Another frontier yet to be discovered. Another round of firsts.

Am I excited?  YES!

Am I scared?  Hell yeah but I’m taking one deep breath. Then one giant leap with eyes wide open.  I’ve worked too hard and too damn long to chicken out now.

To my Forest family, I wave goodbye with a heavy heart and a heavy hand. I look back with fond memories. It was my home away from home. It has witnessed a lot of my triumphs and heartbreaks. All my dramedies and tears. I couldn’t ask for a better place to start than there. And as cliched as it may sound, all good things come to an end. This is my stop. This is where I get off. 

I’m all grown up now. Gone is the naive 22 year old girl that first set foot there seven years ago.  Although it may seem like nothing has changed, the truth is that everything has changed.

Goodbyes. Changes. Vulnerability. It’s a lot to take in.

The best thing about saying goodbye?  That one chance to say hello.

And this time, I’m not scared anymore.

xoxo

Requiem

She felt sick.

With hands trembling, she tried to sit down and calm herself  but no such luck.  She thought, so this is how it feels…. I thought I’m gonna be okay but truth is, I’m not.  I shouldn’t have opened that Pandora’s box………

Waves and upon waves of emotions tide over her. Denial. Hurt. Sadness.

The realization that it can and maybe will never be. Never was?

Everybody deserves to be happy. Even if that means that somebody has to  get hurt. Even if right now, her heart is breaking into a million pieces all over again.

Doesn’t true love mean that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be?  And like any other failed love story, it leaves a mark that no time can ever erase. It may diminish, it may not go away completely, but after a while, it’s not so overwhelming.

But then, there are moments like this.

And for the first time, she felt free. Free at last. Gone are the shackles that bound her to him. As a solitary tear slids off her cheek as she laid down to sleep, she knows in her heart that it’s not because she’s grieving over her past love, the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, but finally the realization that he was never hers.  Never did.  They might’ve shared moments, of shared passion, he might’ve even given her a fraction of himself but he never gave her his heart.

With this final understanding, came the final nail in the coffin of the not meant to be.

And with that, she can finally be happy.

xoxo

To Mai, with Love

Inspired by Hope Dies Last.

Dear Mai,

By the time you read this, I imagine  that in the hopefully-not-so-distant future you are curled up in your favorite chair with a mug of hot chocolate in hand, reminiscing your past love(s) and at the same time being grateful for finally finding the ONE.

It has been a long journey, hasn’t it? It only seemed yesterday that that fateful day happened — when the rug was unceremoniously yanked from underneath you and your world came crashing down. I remembered how hurt  and broken you were. You needn’t say the words. The look on your face said it all.

And you thought you’d never get over HIM.

Yet here we are. And I am so happy for you.  I know you have wanted this for so long  that  I can’t even express the joy and the excitement that I feel for you. And although I know deep inside that you are happy too, sometimes I can’t help but wonder what if ?

What if  he never left you?

What if  he wanted you back?

What good would that do?

You wouldn’t have known your strength if he had stayed. You wouldn’t have known the depth of your feelings had he not broken your heart. You wouldn’t have become a better person — a little bit jaded, yes, but a little bit more wordly and wise.

And honestly, you’d be stupid to take him back. I’m sorry for being crass, but I love you too much to see you get hurt and broken again. Plus I don’t think I could stand all the ensuing dramas after that. Remember when each sad lovesong became your theme song?  How each sob, unrequited love story was your own? And how foolish you were to believe all that he said? 

But you know what?  He’s an even bigger fool for letting you go. He was right on one thing though — you deserve somebody better.  I remember all that and more. I remembered how those very same words haunted you, gave you hope that maybe, just maybe…..

It’ll always be a maybe.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

It couldn’t have been more black and white than that.

Mere memories. Just another old photograph.

I know you thought you loved him. And by God, I did too, but the truth is, you only loved the man you thought he was.  I know sweetie, the truth hurts. 

The truth also sets you free. 

It feels good, doesn’t it? Take a deep, slow breath and let it all out. Suddenly, it’s not that gray anymore, the world has become a tapestry of colors that you didn’t even notice before. And for a moment, you even think that the sun is shining a little bit brighter.

And I know, vintage me, as if on cue, your the ONE is walking towards you… with that warm smile of his that you have come to know and  love, slowly spreading across his face as he sits besides you and gives you a tender kiss. As he playfully brushes that strand of hair away from your face, you look deeply into his eyes and think how lucky you are to have finally found him. When in reality, Mai, he is lucky to have found you.

Remember when you used to ask your friends how’d they know if he’s the one? Now you finally understood.

You just know.

You realize that those damned poets do know what they’re writing about. That when they write about being blind for so long and finally have seen clearly for the first time, you finally get it. That finally, it felt feels right. 

So, eventhough that I know this time it’s different, hold back a little bit. But love, nonetheless.

Take this moment to let him know that having him in your life makes it better every single day that you’re living it.  Tell him that no matter what happens you’ll always be here and that you love him. Now, forever and everyday in between.

We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And as this letter comes to a close, remember always, always that I love you, Mai. You probably might not hear much from me these days but always know that I’m just a thought away.

Take care.

Your inner drama queen,

Moi

When It Isn’t Like It Should Be

Thursday.

My used-to-be favorite day of the week.  But like all things, my love affair with Thursdays has ended. And like a thief in the night,  I had no idea how it happened. It just did.

But that doesn’t mean I hate Mondays less. 

So yesterday, Thursday of all days, I woke up to the loud screaming of my phone. Grudgingly, I rolled over and blindingly reached for it, thinking that it can’t be 7 am yet… another few minutes… please, please let it be.  I was ready to hit the snooze button one  more time but something tells me this was different.

It was M, my good friend from way back in college.  I was kinda waiting to hear from her, hoping that this call brings good news. As soon as I answered, I asked, “So did you pass?”

Dead silence.

In actuality, it was just probably a second but it felt like an eternity. And even before she uttered those words I was hoping not to hear, I knew. 

Dead silence. Again.

After that, tears flowed. Frustrations were let out. Fears and helplessness, hopelessness surfaced.

All I could offer her were words of comfort and knowing that I am here, listening with no prejudice whatsoever.  I knew exactly what she’s going through. I knew what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking. Because you see, I’ve been through that, too. Not just once. Not twice. I’ve been through it countless times that I wanted to lose count.

I used to think that I got it all planned out :

Un:  Move here to California.

Deux:  Find a job.

Trois:  Take and pass the NPTE.

Quatre:  Find the ONE, fall inlove and have my happily ever after.

My plans got derailed at trois.

First time I took the exams  and failed, it was kinda okay. I knew I didn’t study. I had an excuse. The second time stung a little bit more since I thought I prepared well.  After the nth time, I was so sure that I was so stupid, failing again and again. Doubts and insecurities came rushing to the surface.

Questions lingered in my mind. I doubted my capabilities. I started to doubt myself. But deep inside I knew I could do it. What gives then?

You know the age-old adage, ” If it’s not the right time,  no matter how much you wanted it to happen, it won’t”?

No matter how much I didn’t want to believe it, looking back now, I have to grudgingly admit that that was the case for me. I tried and tried and tried but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Until now.

Everything happens for a reason right? After being an aide for seven years, finally I knew I was ready. Not just ready to take the exams, but ready to be a therapist. But then, of course like most, if not all of the story of my life, I have to take a little detour. Again.

Life gives me lemons, I got to make lemonades LOL. 

I’m hoping all of this will be done before the end of summer. One thing is for sure, this whole journey to be a PT has taught me a lot. It has tested my willpower, definitely tested my patience and endurance. It taught me humility. Most of all, it taught me that a little faith goes a long way.

As for my quatrième plan,  I know it’ll happen.

All in due time.

xoxo