30 Things I Learned at 30

30.  People will always disappoint you.

29.  Good friends will stand by you, no matter what, no questions asked.

28.  I like my men clean cut, tall and funny. Especially funny.

27.  I’m a sucker for sappy love stories.

26.  Carpe diem!

25.  You still have to mind your p’s and q’s, dot your i’s and cross your t’s.

24.  There’s a time for everything. Having said that, there’s a reason for everything too.

23.  That I can put up with so much crap.

22. Wanting and needing are two very different things. I learned it the hard way.

21.  I’ll always be a little kid at heart.

20.  How to perfect a mean chicken macaroni salad.

19.  Little things do matter.

18.  That I am going to be a good therapist.  

17.  I could really be a smart-ass.

16.  That you could really be flexible in certain positions … ahem *wink**wink*

15.  How to fall from a 20 foot ravine and still keep your composure.

14.  Knowing when to hold on, hold back and let go.

13.  Saying yes when you really mean yes.

12.  That it’s not unprofessional to take your birthday off! It’s my day, I have the right to spend it however I want it!

11.  Mothers are well, will always be mothers. No matter how grown up you become, mothers will always see you as their babies.

10.  A little luck, lots of hard work and prayer go a long way.

9.   Friday nights are what your girls are for.

8.   That you can go from a size 18-20 to a size 10. If interested, inquire within.

7.   People watching is so much fun!

6.   Family trumps everything. And I mean everything.

5.   That sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we still hope…..

4.   I can really be stubborn and anal for my own damn good.

3.   Being 30 is not the end of the world. Feels like it, but it’s really not.

2.   You’re never too young or too old to go on adventures.

1.   I’m ready to fall inlove all over again.   

So as I turn 30 today, I’m grateful for all that I have — the roof over my head, the food on my table, the clothes on my back and the people in my life that matters the most.

Here’s hoping for another great year ahead!

xoxo

Quarter After One

12:19 a.m.

12:21 a.m.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

As seconds turn into minutes, and as minutes slowly crawl to an hour, I can’t help but feel like everything is at a standstill.  For one moment I could freeze time, close my eyes and know that when I open it once again that I am still where I stood last.

A lot of things has happened in a year. Big things, small things.  A far cry from where I was. A far cry from who I am right now. 

I am not the same person anymore. What was it that they said? That people change for two reasons — either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough to have to.

I am both.

It’s also a testament on how much I’ve grown up. It felt like the things that I’ve missed out on in the first 28 years of my life were crammed into a year. 

Love. Newfound friends. Old friends. Heartaches. Heartbreaks. Career.

On one hand it felt like I was forced to grow up. On the other hand, I think I wouldn’t have done it any different.

I have been told that I am too stubborn for my own good. But then, I have always marched to the beat of my own drum.

Non-conformist, I would say.

Like I know that at my age, society expects me to be married, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen but the thing is, I’m not like everybody else.  When they say turn right, I turn left.  When they say go forward, I take an extra step or two back. 

So yeah at 29, strange as it may seem, but I am biding my time. Taking it slow this time. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Isn’t that reason enough?

1:15 a.m.

xoxo

Between Order and Randomness

Dear Past Boyfriend,

First of all, I’m not wanting to get back together.  Three of the six months of our so-called relationship of pure uncertainty has been enough. I have moved on and I am over you and yes, I’m doing really well, thanks for asking.

You’re probably wondering why after all this time, here I am, writing you a letter. It has been what, nine…ten months?  So much has happened between now and then that the days have started to blur, and memories have faded into gray, along with the aches and pains of heartbreak. The thing is, I was cleaning my room the other day and I stumbled upon the ex-  box — you know, the box where you put all the things that remind you of that person after breaking up — and it just so happened that I opened yours.

At first I didn’t know what to make of it.  Should I keep it or throw it away? One part of me wants to throw it away, just so to be done with it. I mean, why torture myself with memories that remind me of yet another failure? But a bigger part of me wants to keep it, because as glutton for punishments as I am, I realized that you’ll always be a part of me. A part of my life. No matter how fleeting it was. And nothing I do will ever change that.

So yeah, therein that box lay the valentine’s card with the teddy bear, the shot glass, the woven bracelet you got me when you went to Hawaii, the kissing balm that you thought was too girly for you, a couple of movie stubs, the trail map of Saratoga Gap, the necklace you gave me for my birthday and pictures of happier times.

I wasn’t expecting that such simple keepsakes could still evoke powerful emotions within me. I had that sudden pang of longing, a bit of regret and a dull ache that reminds me that even though I have healed nicely, there’s still that scar. Somehow a proof that yes, I have once loved and lost.

Closure.

I guess that’s what this is all about. I’ve come to that point where I can finally give myself closure.  It’s funny how opening Pandora’s box could actually give me what I’ve been trying to do for months. I tried to remember how it was, what we had and how we were but all that I was able to conjure were faded memories. All that remained were silhouettes in the dark. I actually have to look long and hard at the pictures, but somehow still I was left wondering about those special moments. You see, I’m at that point where I could think back and think of you with a smile rather than breaking down into pieces.

I’ve been asked what have I learned? Or did I learn anything for that matter? Because you see if I haven’t, or didn’t, then those are six months of my life I’ll never get back.  And actually, I did.  A lot, in fact.  I’ve realized that my wants and needs are different. That my wants are different from my needs. That I need someone who can be my rock — someone I can lean on either through the good or the bad. I need someone who won’t give up on me, despite my quirks and flaws, who won’t be running to the hills at the first sign of trouble.  I need someone who knows what they want in life, because I do. And I need someone who says exactly what’s on their mind — I’m good at crossword puzzles, but not so much on people puzzles.  Sadly, past boyfriend, you were hit and/or miss. I don’t deny though that there was a time in my life where YOU  were exactly what I needed and wanted.

So if by chance,  you are reading this, I really hope you are happy.  Everybody deserves it, even though you told me once you don’t think you’re capable of loving again. Remember when we were just starting to date, when you told me that you don’t have a lot of friends and I said that I could be your friend? I still mean it. That still holds true.

Closure.

As I move on to the next chapter of my storied life, what I’m really trying to say is that no matter where you are, and whether you stumble upon this or not,  I wish you all the success, happiness and love one could possibly wish for. And I hope you do find what you’re looking for.

As for me, all you need to know is that I’m happy.

- Mai

P.S.  oh btw, you’re not a Scorpio, you’re actually a Sagittarius — just wanted to point that out.

Stages

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we’re dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief:

We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true.

We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.

Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. Or one more chance.

When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can.

We let go…….

We let go and move into acceptance.

After that?

A new beginning.  Starting over. Moving on.

But that doesn’t mean you completely forget. That’s what memories are for.

After all, hope springs eternal.

xoxo

Kismet

kis·met  (kzmt, -mt)  n. Fate; fortune.

Destiny.

Are things really meant to be the way they’re supposed to be?

What if it’s not?

What if?

Do I really believe that everything’s predetermined?  That all of these are just a part of the grandiose plan that the universe has set up?

Things happen for a reason. Or so they say.

I don’t believe it for the most part. I believe that you make your own destiny. That you always have a choice.

Nothing is finite. Nothing is set in stone either.

Sink or swim.

You don’t sink because it’s meant to be. You sank because you let it be.

People don’t say goodbye because they just do. It’s because they want to.

People walk away because they choose to. Because HE chose to.

Destiny?

William Shakespeare once said,  ” Such as we are made of, such we be. ”

In the end, it’s still your call.