Laundry List (Part Deux)

In accordance to an earlier post………

Things I needed to do and hopefully accomplish before or by the time I turn 30:

 1.   Be a full fledged physical therapist —   I’ve got two months left!

2.   Lose another 20 – 25 lbs — having a weight loss challenge with friends

3.   Pay off my car. I only have a few months left on it  :)  — one more month!!!!!

4.   Read Dan Brown’s new novel,  “The Lost Symbol”  — I don’t have enough downtime .. what between Facebook, Tumblr and my blog, I need more  ”me”  time

5.   Have my car detailed. I haven’t done it since I bought it LOL… car washes — yep, detailing — to follow —  well I’ve got no excuse — I’ve just been lazy

6.   Buy a new laptop —  my old one has so much sentimental value

7.   Go to Disneyland  (yey!)  — right after I’m done with internship

8.   Learn how to ski  (or even snowboard — again) — on my list next season

9.   Go to Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!  — sometime this year

10.  Expand my social circle.

11.  Throw away all my junk.

12.  Run more often (that would require a LOT of work LOL).  hmmmm……….. yeah LOL

13.  Speak up.

14.  Go on vacay —   already in the books for next year … wait, do mini-vacays count??????

15.  Take more pictures.

16.  Reconnect with old friends.

17.  Do I dare say fall in love again????  — was just about to but things got a little bit complicated so I’m still holding off  on that thought…..

xoxo

Turning Thirty

I’ll be 30 in about six weeks.

Just saying that makes me feel, um, I don’t know — old. I know, I know, age is nothing but a number but this is different. This is the big three-o, the end of an era kind of thing.

Suddenly I felt like Joey from Friends, making a deal with God to be 29 forever. If only it was that simple.

It’s not that I’m dreading it. It’s not the end of the world for crying out loud — well, that’s what my 30-something friends say anyway.  I still have at least a month and a half to enjoy the last days of my twenties…. just in case the world does end.

Before, thirty is so far away! It’s so far away that it’s a dot. Now the dot has become a splatter. Pretty soon, it’ll be that dark cloud looming over my head, taunting me. Mocking me even.

So as I approach the last days of the last two-decades-and-then-some of my life,  I find myself  looking at the mirror, staring at what it seems like the same yet different girl.

Jaded. Cynical. But still funny as hell and passionate and loyal to a fault.

I may be wiser and a tad more mature but I still find fulfillment in simple things. A simple life. Simple wants and needs.  Although life is already complicated as it is.

So turning thirty, eh?  It doesn’t feel that significant anymore — unless you’re going to buy some booze and you’re wanting to be carded. Like when you’re at the check out counter and the cashier looks at you and just proceeded to ring up all the alcohol one could fathomly consume in what’s supposed-to-be-the-end-of-an-era-night-kind-of-thing and not even ask for an ID and you giving him the death stare with your eyes in slits thinking, “I am not that old!!!”

Thirty. Treinta.  Dertig.  Trente.  Dreißig.  Trinta.  тридцать.  kolmekymmentä.  Tatlumpo.

Many ways to say thirty… but the thing is, it’s just that. A number. No more, no less.  What matters most is what you’ve become at thirty.

So, should I still make a fuss about leaving my twenties and entering the next decade of my life?  Well, I don’t really have a choice, do I?

xoxo

Quarter After One

12:19 a.m.

12:21 a.m.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

As seconds turn into minutes, and as minutes slowly crawl to an hour, I can’t help but feel like everything is at a standstill.  For one moment I could freeze time, close my eyes and know that when I open it once again that I am still where I stood last.

A lot of things has happened in a year. Big things, small things.  A far cry from where I was. A far cry from who I am right now. 

I am not the same person anymore. What was it that they said? That people change for two reasons — either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough to have to.

I am both.

It’s also a testament on how much I’ve grown up. It felt like the things that I’ve missed out on in the first 28 years of my life were crammed into a year. 

Love. Newfound friends. Old friends. Heartaches. Heartbreaks. Career.

On one hand it felt like I was forced to grow up. On the other hand, I think I wouldn’t have done it any different.

I have been told that I am too stubborn for my own good. But then, I have always marched to the beat of my own drum.

Non-conformist, I would say.

Like I know that at my age, society expects me to be married, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen but the thing is, I’m not like everybody else.  When they say turn right, I turn left.  When they say go forward, I take an extra step or two back. 

So yeah at 29, strange as it may seem, but I am biding my time. Taking it slow this time. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Isn’t that reason enough?

1:15 a.m.

xoxo

Crossroads

I’ve never been good with goodbyes. Actually,  I suck at it. The last time I had to, I ended up holding on more than I should’ve, believing all the empty words and false hopes, before reality slapped me in the face and left me reeling. The last time I had to, I ended up looking stupid and in the process lost my dignity, when in fact there’s nothing else left to do but to pick up the pieces that were left behind.

It’s such a simple word isn’t it? If only by saying it can make things that simple. If only by saying it can make things alright. Like magic. One snap of a finger and everything’s better and you don’t have to worry about tommorow and all the what ifs and the what nots. But I don’t have a magic wand. I don’t even have a fairy godmother nor even one of the seven dwarfs. I even have trouble pronouncing wingardium leviosa . Is it wingardium le-viosa or levi-osa? Where do you enunciate?

Can there be any sadder word?

But along with goodbye comes change. I don’t think one could exist without the other.  And since I suck at  farewells, it is safe to assume that I’m no fan of change either.  I have to have a constant in my life.  The irony in that is that nothing is more constant in this world  except change.  I don’t think I’ can just pack up and leave like some people can. But I am trying. To embrace change, I mean. I know better than argue that it is good for the soul, because it is.

With change also comes vulnerability.  Nothing makes you more human than that.  To be stripped down to your bare essentials. Who wants to bare their all anyway just to get battered and bruised in the end? Who wants to be seen on their most desperate and weakest moments?  The whole paradox of it all is that you are only strongest at your weakest.

So  as winter fades into spring, as the leaves start to blossom and as the last remnants of cold slithers away into the warm sunshine , a new beginning waits for me.  Another chapter to be written. Another frontier yet to be discovered. Another round of firsts.

Am I excited?  YES!

Am I scared?  Hell yeah but I’m taking one deep breath. Then one giant leap with eyes wide open.  I’ve worked too hard and too damn long to chicken out now.

To my Forest family, I wave goodbye with a heavy heart and a heavy hand. I look back with fond memories. It was my home away from home. It has witnessed a lot of my triumphs and heartbreaks. All my dramedies and tears. I couldn’t ask for a better place to start than there. And as cliched as it may sound, all good things come to an end. This is my stop. This is where I get off. 

I’m all grown up now. Gone is the naive 22 year old girl that first set foot there seven years ago.  Although it may seem like nothing has changed, the truth is that everything has changed.

Goodbyes. Changes. Vulnerability. It’s a lot to take in.

The best thing about saying goodbye?  That one chance to say hello.

And this time, I’m not scared anymore.

xoxo

Defining Moments

I thought I’d post one of my old entries from my old blog…..

___________________________

Here I am on a Friday night — again. Yep. I’m home on a date night… date weekend for that matter. But I don’t mind. It’s been a rollercoaster of sorts for me these past few weeks that some peace and quiet’s just what I exactly needed. Just me, myself and I.

I know I’ve been oozing drama lately and I know I’ve been a drag but hey, in my defense, everybody has off days sometimes — except mine has been daaaaaaaaays LOL. Plus, you exactly know that I can be a drama queen hands down so stop complaining :p

If you have noticed, I haven’t used “guess” or “maybe” so far. I mean most of the time I start with ” I guess……” or ” Maybe……” It took a friend of mine to make me see that I have to let people know what I think. Huh? Let me make it clearer — the last time we talked I asked him what’s the most annoying thing about me and he said that sometimes I don’t have an opinion on things… that or I just go along with whatever he says. Une: it’s not that I don’t have one, I do. I’m just afraid to say it for the fear of looking stupid, or worse, rejected. Just in case you missed it, yeah, I do have issues. Hell, who doesn’t? Deux: Because of that dumb voice in my head, I aim to please a little too much that I become too agreeable. And I thought I was just being nice and politically correct most of the time LOL……

You know how there are moments that define our lives? Sometimes it’s so fleeting, you hardly notice it and sometimes it’s so profound that no matter how hard you ignore it, it just won’t go away. It took me a breakup and a badly needed wakeup call to finally realize that you can’t depend and hope on other people for your happiness. I know I’m a novice when it comes to relationships and I know I still have a lot to learn. I just wished that I didn’t have to go through all this pain and turmoil before it all sank in. But hey, that’s how we learn isn’t it?

Thinking about it, it humanized me in a way. Not that I think that I’m perfect or anything like that at all but it made me see myself in a different perspective. I know now that everything’s gonna be alright. That yeah, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. It’s gonna take some time for me though, I have to learn to love myself first and be happy for what and who I am before I dive into the dating pool again. Plus, I admit, I loved him….

So, as to the eternal question — if you’ve loved and lost, will you ever find happiness again? My answer is a definite yes…. in time, yes.

As for me, I am a work in progress.

Mailah version 2.0… pretty soon version 2.1

xoxo